POZBLOG

2003-09-29T12:30:00.000+01:00

BLUE WONDERS
I have been forced this today, born of last weeks musings on fuzziness and coffee, to contemplate drug dependency.
HIV meds rituals...necessity rather than a lifestyle choice....
norimode - my taking of it to secure a social life - taken recreationally..
wonderful blue assistants. Viagra... again, medical qualification here... - HIV meds and copndition do seem to have reaction to sexual libido and performance... - anecdotal more becoming known...
Viagra... - heading out, 'ill just have a nibble on a bluey' before headign out, just in case.....
Recreational ccktails of others m,ight be a line of charlie to start the eve.. chin an E and then hone in the trip with a cuple of bumps of K.... several Espresso spike my mood and get me jigging (a couple of Vodka chasers help too).. secure the fun 2 or three pills of Loperamide (actually quite an addictive opiate..) and to end the evening - if its fashioning into something spiked with sexiual tensions, a quarter of a viagra.......

2003-09-23T00:56:00.000+01:00

FUZZY
Its been quite a strange and unclear day for me today. A day where my thoughts don't seem to have come as fully into focus as they usually do - leaving me a little directionless and 'infertile' compared to more fruitful and practical days. It figures then, that much of my day has been spent fiddling and browsing on the internet... Fuzzy seems to be a good way to describe my feelings and actions today...

Whilst I trying to think about why I felt this way, I have been forced to contemplate that I might be a little addicted to caffeine. I did have quite a few large strong cafe lattes when I got up and, Indeed, i do tend to drink quite a few more cups of coffee and tea than average. And I am wondering whether one of the consequnces of this, might be this sense of unclarity...

I have also started to question whether or not this feeling (I've had it before) might relate to some of the medications I am taking. Its mostly anecdotal, but I have heard that AZT and other drugs can have an affect on memory and thought patterns...

Either way, I am forced today to acknowledge that my capacity for clarity (if ever it was that clear) and my ability to think or act decisivley and clearly migth be compromised. I dont like that and I think I should try to do something about it..

I shall start by trying to drink less coffee. It might also help if I spent less time mindlessly pfaffing on the internet!!

2003-09-17T14:18:00.000+01:00

GOOD NEWS/BAD NEWS
My wheelings and dealings on the virtual Celbdaq market have now become a daily activity. In the past I have worried about the rises and falls of my cd4 counts and viral loads, but now it seems I worry more about the rise and fall of David Blanes and Ben Affleks... I amaze myself sometimes, at how i can be so distracted by the lure of things on the net....

My previous investments in Marylin Mansun didnt pay off by the way. Its always the case when celebreties are let off the hook and live, for the time being, happily ever after! - he was recently found not guilty in a court case, and thus the papers were not interested and so no virtual dividends for me as measure by few column inches of newspaper gossip Its the bad news that is the good news as far as this game is concerned.

And so I have learnt that you have to be ruthless in this virtual game if it is to 'pay out'. You have to invest in the real misfortunes and milk them for all their worth.

And so to the poor Williams siblings, Venus and Serena. The death of their poor sister has led to a goldmine in virtual dividends and share hikes this week. If only, of course, you can cope with the guilt of investing in them, and play the further sick game of playing the price of one famous sister off against the fame of the other...

Im sorry to say I've made a fair few virtual bucks out of them... and I'd do the same again if it meant that for a while I could continue to romanticise of an owned penthouse, that Audi Quattro, and a high-rolling lifestyle free of germs and disease....

2003-09-15T10:48:00.000+01:00

SHOWERED WITH KISSES...
I now realise, like most gay londoners have done for years it seems, that if yr feeling low on a Sunday, theres nothing like an afternoon and evening at the Royal Vauxhall Tavern for a guaranteed love in. Indeed, the stream of warmth and feeling flowing at around six o'clock can be as predictable as some of Dame Edna's take-offs,- as glittery and (semi-)precious as one of her sequined smocks. Dame Edna, by the way, is the dragged-up stage act who begins the evening with a comedy music routine....

The reaction of the crowd seems a bit similar to that of pavlogs dog.. A bunch of shirtless luvlies so honed to the knowledge of an emotive, sexual, cathartic reward that the atmosphere turns on a song... As Ednas theme tune purports, to the sheer delight of the gay hundreds, its like dancing in the rain and being showered with kisses.....

Sorry if I now get all Academic and theoretical but I have a brain, and for a few hours this sunday I was forced to wholeheartedly agree with the writer Bakhtin and his musings on the cathartic and liberating effects of what he terms carnivalesque. For thats exactly what the RVT was.. It was all there, the drag, the music, the sick humor, the scatalogical and, well, numerous side-shows... What fun it was, and how it serves to re-invigorate and re-centre the waylaid soul.....

2003-09-11T13:17:00.000+01:00

MONEY SPINNING
Recent virtual earnings from Celebdaq. would indeed come in real handy of late: I've now made more than Â£1300 pounds off the in/adversity of celebs such as JLo, Britney, and Beyonce - now theres a random name generator product if ever i saw one.... (Marylin Mansun is yet to pay off - but his shares are on the rise.....)

I say I could do with the money because it appears I really am broke! lately I've got into the routine of not checking my bank statements and inadvertently didn't realise that some of my state benefits had been stopped since August, pending the reciept of some information. My bank, seeing my situation before I did, took it upon themselves to up my overdraft limit - and so for the past month I've been withdrawing money willey-nilley not realising that its all been borrowed from the bank. Theres a lesson for me to be learned here! Open those bank letters when they arrive!... Thankfully the issues have been resolved and backpayments of benefits will put paid to the debt....

In the meantime I've taken to thinking about other ways in which I can make a little money on the side. Whilst flitting through the internet I came upon an interesting site and with a few minutes of digital manipulation and typing.......... You've read the Pozblog... now buy the merchandising !!

2003-09-09T00:51:00.000+01:00

INCHES
In a flurry of inactivity and boredom this weekend I came by the website and internet game of Celebdaq. Here you are invited to invest in celebrities as shares - You are given 10,000 virtual pounds and can make or lose money, based on deliberations of which VIPs are hot or not, risers or fallers, according to the predilections of the British press and the number of column inches they are given….

I’ve not been doing too badly as a beginner. Indeed, the £275 pounds I have virtually earned myself in the past 48 hours would have been a godsend in the real world. I made it through a rather shrewd investment in Britney Spears who’s share price soared in media value when video footage revealed her taste for diet pills.. George Clooney has been a bit of a money spinner too, it turns out, following his announcements that he can’t find a woman. I made the investment not because of a market whisper, but because HEY, I’m gay, I fancy him and Ill spend my pink pounds however I damn choose….!

I would have made a some more money had I not decided - rather strangely is seems - to invest 4000 nicker in Marylin Mansun. !…. My wonkey eye is for a bargain, tho - and he’s my ‘working girl’ big selling idea. When the jury comes back with his guilty verdict for Frottage theres gonna be a media free-for-all goldmine!!…..Shhhhhh keep it to yourself….

All this talk of media values and inches has led me to get my own ruler out in an aim to review my own blog writings by subject and popularity: - a POZDAQ if you like. It makes for insightful reading….

Highest on my index it seems are the subjects of excrement and drugs. If I’m not wittering on about yesterdays bad night out because of someone’s trips on K or E, I’m bemoaning my own dependence on Loperamide and its centrality to my viral condition. That and other medications. Traders will insist, however, that I’m British with a British sense of humour, so poo, farts and writing about them are bound to come up as frequently as takeover bids… Nights out and clubbing make for a fair investment too, followed by the themes of the internet, my love life, home life and my hatred/dependence on state handouts….…

OK the largest and most central topic of all is my HIV status, and that goes without saying ..But on the whole I can only remark at how normal and human I come across as. All that’s missing, it seems, from my index are a few odd inches of moans about work, maybe a few more topical reflections on politics, and the odd reference to a car. Such penny-in-the-pound market fillers, however, are more than adequately displaced by my highly more valuable lust for life and sense of self-improvement. All I need now, maybe, are a few more buyers……

2003-09-08T01:49:00.000+01:00

FROM ONE RUSH TO ANOTHER
Another week over and the few blogs posted of late are a testament to a current period of slight inertia on my part. September and its cooler climes have well and truly marked an end to a fantastic summer. College has started back and is humming along, but theres little there to maintain an interest that I would call avid or passionate. The lack of a significant other to plan my weekends around is increasingly showing its harder side. And things generally remain much the slow-same at home...

Its as if the huge tsunami of wonderfulness that the summer presented to me and upon which I rode is now all awash and i'm stuck in the waters. If I dont rush onwards a recessive tide will pull and suck me backwards. But which direction to now run in and how to assist myself in the knee-deep waters?.....

The only things which seem to be steaming ahead at full flow, I'm sorry to say.. have been my bowels... It hasn't helped that I still continue to suffer from the stomach problems of a month ago. Either I have a persistant gastric bug or my body has become now resistant to the Norimode I have consistently fed it to keep some control over my 'movements'. This has been a slightly depressing reminder that the wonder drugs might not last forever. Better thus, to act now, while I still can.....

My bowel problems have at least highlighted and reminded me of yet another interesting phenomenon that attends HIV sufferers. Knowledge of available public toilets and conveniences. . You may or may not have experienced that moment when you know (and I mean 'know') that if you don't reach a toilet in 2 minutes you are seriously going to embarrass yrself. Well that moment can occur quite regularly for the HIV sufferer as the virus and the antiviral drugs wreak havoc with yr digestive system and the mechanisms that tell your brain you need the mens room. And it obviously gets worse if the Norimode or anti-diarrhoetic (the spelling too is shit!) doesnt happen to work. Thank heavens, then, for a network of public conveniences and restrooms.

Just in the same way that the contestant must come up with the answer in the 5 seconds after the questioner has posed the winning teaser, so the HIV sufferer must think when pressed of the nearest loo: and theres no passing in this game!. If worst comes to worst, and yr in the High street, you can always guarantee the proximity of a Macdonalds and the small luxury of a steady a supply of toilet paper. That is if you can negotiate the obstacle manageress who assumes, since you're B-lining straight for the toilets instead of the big-macs, that you must be a junkie. If its your lucky day, the whiff of weak coffee will conote the presence of a nearby Starbucks and, praise be to God, a disabled toilet. With a hand basin and paper towels no-less.. OK the starbucks coffee may be crap, but the toilet facilities are to die for....If your'e not on a high street, then more lateral thinking is required... Pub? Betting shop? Library? bush?....

I was very nearly 'caught short' the other day whilst heading home from Clapham Junction train Station. I was out of the station, through the ticket barriers and the mall via the Cornish Pasty and Pie shop - casually down to the bus stops heading Brixton way when whoosh - the call was very clearly heard, nay, almost felt. My response was automatic! My head turned radar-like to detect the nearest potential respite, like Superman searching for a phone-booth or swing-door!.. I saw Macdonalds in the distance, but experience kept my head and radar circling for a few more seconds past Marks and Spencers (no - not this branch) and Woolworths (never) in the search for a more amenable solution. And there it was- Arding and Hobbs . An old faithful.

If Allders department stores only knew how many times their fourth floor facilities have come to my aid - Their loos in their Clapham Junction store have been refurbished too!.... Maybe I should start writing a HIV guide to useful public lavatories in London. I know, I'll come up with a rating system using little silver toilet rolls instead of gold stars. And hey, maybe the Terrence Higgins Trust will sponsor the project.....

2003-08-31T12:13:00.000+01:00

PERFORMANCE AND RESPONSIBILITY #1.
These two words have been cropping up quite a lot lately - and particularly this week. I wielded Performance and Responsibility both at class to impress upon my new students (who arrived in London this week) an appropriate framework for study. I tried as hard as I could to sound authoritative and crack the disciplinary whip,- but authoritative can be a role I find hard pressed to play. I'm the mouse that can roar when pushed, but I usually prefer to squeak loudly.....I don't think I impressed....

Performance and Responsibility have also been on my mind over the past few weeks since the last meeting with my 'shrink'. I happened to remember that I used the term "performance" a lot when I had a little bit of councilling at university some years ago - I was having a little trouble getting my assignments completed and in on time and my personal tutor thought that a few councilling and relaxation sessions might do the trick. The phrase also cropped up again about 9 months ago when I went to see a sex councillor in the hope that my doctor would put me on the list for prescribed Viagra. (In order to qualify for NHS Viagra your doctor has to make sure than any erectile dysfunction if you have it is a physical rather than mental problem). I went to the Sex Therapist thinking it would be a walk-over: I was wrong...A one-hour cuch trip later I was told "go out, dont worry about performance, Have -fun..". So I did....

Sex and essay writing: quite different themes I know, but here they were joined at the hip and parented by that couple Performance and Responsibility.....

It was in exploring the above links that I realised how much of my pleasure and perception of myself, good or bad, is born in relation to others and is 'enacted'. At college, I wrote essays mainly for my lecturers and as they were my main audience who judged my work - I worried about my performance. My failure to take better responsibility for my actions - writing the essays for myself and taking pleasure in that- had led to the issues of procrastination and non-completion. Any potential failings could thus be self-fulfilled via the back door - after all how can I be judged for something I havent done!... A similar situation could be said of activities in the bedroom. In the past I have often had sex more for the pleasure of my partners than necessarily my own needs - and similarly worried about my performance. And there have been times where a sheer failure to confront - take responsibility for - to enjoy -my own sexual needs have led me once again to procrastinate, put off having sex at all! In the midst of my current and continuing bout of self confidence and resultant sexual spree, I had forgotten that for a two year period about 10 years ago - I was almost celibate - too frightened to go out and see to my sexual needs....how sad and unfortunate is that!?

I dont know where all this thinking about Performance and Responsibility has gotten me and where its yet to go. I'm certainly grateful, however, of the reminders of how I once was, sexually and essay-writingly..and how much in certain areas I've changed for the better. I realise too, though, that these terms seem to cut to the heart of who I am - and underpin my general prediliction for procrastination and putting things off. Further thought on this, together with more grabbing of bulls by the horns, can only lead to me knowing myself better.

Hmmmm. Performance and Responsibility.....

2003-08-24T13:38:00.000+01:00

SEX DWARFED
24 hours of sex, music and clubbing this Friday has been just the job for keeping earlier sad autumnal ruminations at bay,hehe. In the process, I seem to have (re-)discovered why the late seventies and early eighties appeal to - god I sound like my dad when I say this next phrase - "the younger generation".....

I spent friday night at a night called 'The Cock' in the Ghetto Club, Soho. I was happy to try out an alternative Friday nighter, especially given that my usual haunt in south London was becoming so commercial, so full of morons. And what a fantastic night the Cock turned out to be; harder beats and dirty lyrics; certainly a seedier venue; and a good mixed crowd of mixed ages, from mullet boys to punkier hair-hoppers.. And the nicest thing? - a much happer drug scene,- if it was happening at all - None of that murky K snorting and introspection which you often get in the clonier clubs. (or maybe I just didnt see any?) Just a good crowd of up for it clubbers happy to have fun, enjoy the company and music. For a while there, dancing to those electronic beats and riffs from early eighties Indie, I was 19 again, back at the Rum -Runner club, Brimingham, hair crimped eyeliner and jodphurs on, feeling untouchable and dancing the night away....... Well, til 2AM anyway..

2003-08-22T12:31:00.000+01:00

Its slightly overcast here in London today as I type in my usual morning halfnakedness. Silvery rays are reflecting off the miriad windscreens of cars parked outside and into my lounge windows, glittered by last nights rain. The first cold breeze in a long while is wafting through the flat now and then. Its just enough to lift apart the half closing curtains, gesture the air with more harsh brilliance and work a path to touch my unshirted spine like a welcome-unwanted reveller. Scattered leaves on the bleached-dried grass outside, like the debris noticed on an emptying dancefloor, offer a final telling reminder that Autumn is just around the corner and is aiming to turn up the harsher lights on this golden summer's party........

2003-08-20T12:12:00.000+01:00

SPOT CHECK
.... And to top it off this past week I've not been too well. A very bad case of stomach pains and the runs, bought on I think as a bacterial consequence of M being ill with Shingles. I think I've got through a months supply of Norimode in just one week......

It all seemed to start a couple of days after Brighton pride. M complaining of a rash to his new boyfirend, the rash over the next 24 hours turning into horrible little white boils. Nasty, - especialy when M has a knack of skipping round the appartment in just a pair of knickers! Its around this time that I start getting a dodgy stomach. M's spotty rash turns out following a trip to the doctors to be Shingles, worsened by a bacterial infection of the skin. Just lovely! Its more than likely, the doctor says, that my dickie stomach is just a response to that extra bit of pestilence running around the flat!!

Some lessons can be learned here: First the doctor confirms that Shingles is bought on by a severe weakening of the immune system. Its very likely to recur in people who severely cane it with drugs on Brighton Pride weekends, especially if their immune and nerve system is already depleted by the use of Steroids!... M is not too happy that the doctor can read him like a book, and I steel my resolve to keep away from the recreational stimulants! Thankfully, as part of my HIV medications I take a prophylactic dose of Acyclovir each day which I think can keep herpes strain illnesses, such as Shingles, at bay. I must make sure I confirm that vis-a-vis shingles when I next see doctor.... I also realise that an extra bit of effort, bleach and disinfectant around the appartment would work wonders. (hmmm I really will look forward to employiong a cleaner!...)

The whole event reminds me, though, of my own severe case of Chicken Pox nearly ten years ago - so serious that it also gave rise to some moon sized craters and a mild case of bloodpoisoning. Clearly my own immune system was at a low then, and I wonder if that illness marked the moment of my HIV seroconversion. Suddenly images of HIV coffee mornings spring to mind, - "tell me, Pozblog.." I hear someone say as a bunch of butch leather queens politely peck at rich tea biscuits and labour hard to make sure no coffee is spilt on their chaps "...what serious illness bought your HIV on...."

2003-08-19T15:43:00.000+01:00

DUMPING GROUNDS
I havent blogged for a while. It's not that nothing has been going on. More of a case of a fair bit going on, just me having a little trouble sorting things out and writing about them....

First I've been finding it a bit hard without A around. - I didnt realise how much I value his company and the withdrawal has been kinda harsh. I've spent a fair bit of time this week ruminating over the rightness of my decision. He accepted me for who I am, warts and all; I could thoroughly relax in his company; and we made each other laugh and feel wanted.... I've found it hard, I suppose, because I question whether or not I will find someone to do similar and more....

In the absence of A, I guess I sought solace in the company of another nice guy, K. I'd seen him a couple of times on a casual, sexual, basis - and last week agreed to go on a date with him... Although he was nice too and I saw him again... I've been increasinly feeling that I'm certainly not ready to jump into another form of relationship, especially just after having finished with A. So it turned out to be another 'dear John' dumping situation - the second in a month! He took it rather badly - suggesting to me that I'd probably done the right thing given that I'd only just met him, but also evidence that I am capable of generating strong feelings in people....

All this has brought me to a 'Sex and the City' kinda questioning these days: How can I expect someone to love me full-on 100% when I dont love myself full-on 100%...? That question is of course rhetorical, the bigger realisation and underlying 'answer' I suppose means more work coming to terms with who I am and what I want before I can consider giving it up and fully relaxing to love someone else....

Such ruminations have led me to question what I have to go on... and so I've asked myself If I ever was in the past truly in love with anyone or if not - what relationship in my mind best approximated it. Yep its been a real 'Carrie' kinda week of things - with none of the alternative 'Samantha' -type encounters to make ease of the situation!!! Did I ever fully love myself and who I am, or did someone or something related to Love happen along and cause me to question it all? Some heavy contemplation, I can tell you, but regardless of the past I think I do love myself. Its more a case of having little faith and trust in sharing it with others. Something seems to have left me with a little lack of faith and trust..... and I need to do something about that -....!

So more on this to follow......

2003-08-11T12:47:00.000+01:00

More of that reality dawning today. Its hot and sticky, I have little money and I have to make some decisions about work... (I'm also feeling a little podgy and so a little more effort down at the gym wouldnt go amiss either!)

As much as I seem to have gotten myself relatively together at a personal level (and am very proud of that), I've lately been feeling a little 'flimsy' and 'disconnected' in the more materialist areas of work and play. As if lately, I'm feeling not quite all there...living a half life on the peripharies of thirty-something stability.

I find when I meet some people and they ask those questions about 'what do you do? etc' I get a little edgy, knowing that the information I give them is not as complete and truthful as it might be. I guess I am starting to feel a little ashamed at being dependent on those government handouts such as DLA. I clearly I dont inform many people that I am claiming them, choosing instead to emphasise the work I now do part time or not at all. Its kind of hard admitting that economically Im part of 'the underclass'... Harder, it seems, than admitting that I am HIV! Now theres a heavy thought for a monday morning .....

2003-08-10T10:41:00.000+01:00

MORE PRIDE
I spent another dreamy day on the coast yesterday, this time in Brighton for their Pride celebrations. An early jaunt on the train with my mate C , a big breakfast, then off to a pre-pride party and to the Park... And what a glorious and fun day it was, putting London to Shame in its organisation and spirit. - bought back memories of the old pride festivals in Brockwell park and Clapham Common.... Sun pouring down, squeals from the funfair, backbeats from the dance tents and huddles of guys and girls tightly lazing in the shadows of the parktrees...

..And who should I bump into there but my lovely mate from the coast on wednesday with a few of his friends. It figures we spent a little more time with each other than we should have done given that we both had friends in tow, - but what the heck - It was great to be doing that full on snogging in the middle of the park with absolutely no-one batting an eyelid..... Ended up spending the rest of the day together .....

And so back home on the 9pm train, packed to the hilts with dazed revellers and other sorts of brighton trippers.

2003-08-07T20:30:00.000+01:00

2 GO MAD IN DORSET
Just back from a couple of wonderful days on the coast! Great nude sunbathing, great company, great weather.....and great everything else!!...

With a swish of my beach sarong I veil any other details of my fantastic adventure by the sea.. other than to say that I will sure remember what I was up to on the hottest day in Britain since 1977......

2003-08-05T11:45:00.000+01:00

A FEW THINGS TO SMILE ABOUT

"We're having a heatwave...."
Early sixties feminism sprang to mind this morning as I grabbed a mirror, opened up and took a bloody good look and poke around! But I'm talking my mouth of course and my recent dental work. ..and, well, apart from the gap and a sore cheek, everything feels fine and dandy in there. Dentist even fixed a chip on one of my front teeth so I have an even more fabulously pearly white smile....

"...a tropical heatwave.."
A texted me as well. - I had seen him out and about over the weekend but the reception was cool, - so it was nice to have him invite me out for dinner and a chat on friday night, which I accepted. I have missed his chirpy texts a lot and its been difficult trying not to call him..so I look forward to the possibility that a good frienship will evolve out of this....

"the tempratures rising, it isn't surprising...."
And guess what!? That man from the coast that I'd chatted with last friday (see blog Aug 01). Phwoooar!! Well Ive been chatting with him every day since then and we get along. So Im heading down to the coast for a couple of days tomorrow to meet him. I'm sure we'll hit it off, but even if we don't a couple of days by the sea in this heat is gonna be very welcome!...

"we suddenly can, Can can.....!"

2003-08-04T12:07:00.000+01:00

LIDOCAINE LIP
Outh!... I cant thpeak withou' 'ribbling......
I'm just back from the Dental Hospital.
Being HIV and Squeaminsh means I qualify for free special care dentistry and sedation. No Sadie, my usual lovely dentist tho' this week. Oh no!... Today it was David - and a set of stronger hands needed to yank out that miserable tooth!... Ok, It wasnt too bad... - Lulled into a false sense of security through encouragement to think back to my holiday (hmm The Lovely Frenchman... ) it was a bit of a tense tug, a metalic flavoured crunch and a flailing arm for a second or too ..and well that was about it.. Then quickly on to Joy, the hygeinist and a 30 minute session of the hardest scraping and sandblasting before the gas wore off. Lastly another rant on appropriate brushing and meticulous oral care and the job was over. And there you go, -this season of dental drama done with no cliffhangers leading to another series in the imminent future.....

Give it another couple of hours and the anaesthetic will be wearing off! - and that is when the dull ache will start and the tongue will be feeling for the gap where the tooth was. - It will feel, no doubt, like there's a Khyber pass in my mouth - hopefully not with appropriate smells of afghan camel dung, given the state of my gums ......

As much as I'm trying to give myself that proverbial pat on the back for actually going - (Ive had cancellation and procrastination dreams all night..) It is slowly dawning on me that, Unlike in childhood, the tooth will not grow back. That gaping chasm soon to be felt is a knowing sign of the disparity between my late feeling s of youthfulness and a bodily reality of continuing age with odd bits of decrepitude - and I think its that, rather than the actual process of extraction which will be giving me a dull ache today.

2003-08-02T15:00:00.000+01:00

CLUBBING TYPES...OR TYPES THAT NEED CLUBBING!
Sitting here, a glorious sunny day outside; Lamb blasting out on my media player; me wondering and hoping that such a glorious summer feeling would be more constant, never end.... I'll be heading out into the sun in a bit...

A much more balanced sentiment, I think, compared to those I had last night whilst out clubbing. And I think I've finally now realised the south London Friday clubbing equation that leads people to drugtaking. First, as the night progresses, the music keeps getting better -but unfortunately the clubbers keep getting skankier. People presumably snort the K to anaesthetise their eyes from seeing who is actually dancing around them, touching them up....! Sorry if that sounds bitter and twisted, but in a state of absolute sobriety last night I couldn't help but notice the crowd around me and it wasn't its usually appealing coterie. Here are some of the clubber dance types I could'nt help but notice as I tried to groove my night away:

The Flailer: That guy who seems to have lost all sense of personal space as he invades that of others with his combine harvester limbs, ploughing up the more serene clubbers on the dancefloor and reducing them to chaff. a bit like one of those wind up swimmer toys you let loose in the bath, unable to pre-empt where its gonna end up..... Ever more deadly and destructive if the said flailer is wielding a lit cigarette!!

The Wannabe Eighties Grease Dance Extra (WEDGE for short).: Those ultramodish guys who insists on dancing move for move and gesture for gesture like they're a seventies or eighties throwback. Sorry guys, but some of those retro dance 'quotes' from the Birdie Song and Grease are more funny than aesthetically groovy, especially if you dont get them exactly right. (Remember I was their at the time of the original!..) Thankfully these types seem to run out of steam after the first hour of clubbing and disappear never to be seen again, presumably in a re-appropriated PoMo club version of 'Bermuda Triangle'. Well... they disappear til next friday anyway......

The Tiggy Leg Berk: (royalists will see the joke..) That guy who seems to be experiencing the core of his E-reverie through the muscles of his upper legs and arse hole. Hes the one dancing in those crouching positions, an arse as pert and as wide as the grin on his face. The movement of the legs and butt resemble a guy blindly seeking a toilet seat in the absence of a light bulb. And the face has that kind of look you can imagine someone having as they crouch and crap behind a bush after having held it in for an hour and thirty minutes....

Le Chic K Freak ("...lets Bump"): That smooth operator who seems to glide effortlessly accross the dance floor, hips bagatelling the others out of the way as he smooches from corner to corner in search of his next free bump of K. There he goes, quick as a flash at the glint of glass from a clubbers pocket. False alarm though- only a bottle of poppers this time...but hes ever alert for that flick and twist of the wrist that denotes an imminent dispense and snort....

2003-08-01T03:08:00.000+01:00

WOW. Ive just spent the last hour and a half chatting on the phone with this gorgeous and interesting guy from the coast! I happened across his Gaydar profile earlier today, sent him a couple of messages over the afternoon and whaddaya know - pouring out life stories, long-distance over cups of coffee and tea in the wee small hours of the morning.

Its actually amazing how intimate a phonecall can get these days without knowing it! What with my free handset and love of caffeine, this stranger was effectively chatting to me in my kitchen while I microwaved some hot milk for a cappucino, hunted my fridge for a midnight snack and probably bit my nails or picked my nose in the absence of finding one. And at his end?... Well, apparently I was chatting to him whilst he was undressing and getting ready for bed - purely innocently of course - although he too has a roamers handset and what he was doing with his free hand remains a mystery! The majority of our conversation, we inform each other at the end, was undertaken with me curled up on my sofa and him tucked snuggly away under his duvet... All so natural and unassuming that somehow images of Jim-Bob chatting warmly through the wall to John-boy before wishing goodnight to the rest of the Blue-Ridge household spring readily and stangely to mind. .... Except we're both better looking than the Waltons boys, of course. We wouldnt be seen dead in a pair of dungarees and our storylines are a heck of a lot more racy - Hell, Ike and Corabeth Godsey would have had a field day whisperin' down at their store....!

And so to the didactic end of this episode... How I continue to be blown away by how people including myself want and love to give freely of themselves and share their lives to relative strangers based on the trusts presented by few words and images.

Brings a near tear to the eye....

G'night Elizabeth. G'night Sue-Ellen, G'night Ben.....

2003-07-31T13:06:00.000+01:00

MAGHREB - AL - AKSA!
I've decided today that Moroccan is the new Thai.
For the past week I've been hooked on this new Moroccan Chicken Soup that the Covent Garden Company have as their monthly flavour. Its just gorgeous. Not only that, - if you add a bit of extra meat, a few chopped up apricots, chilli and chick-peas it can be easily mistaken for a home-made Tagine.... -What normally takes forever to cook and costs the earth with those pickled lemons can now be ready in a jiffy and for half the price! So no more lemon grass and coconut milk for me - or my guests!... Out with those yellow curries - Im on the road, as they say, to Morocco.... - The next time I'll serve it in honor of Bob Hope, may he RIP - Well, I know plenty of guys who'll jump at the chance to dress for dinner as Dorothy L'amour.....

2003-07-31T12:57:00.000+01:00

GET THE PICTURE....
"I love my mom and dad and my brothers too and the groovy way we get along...."

I've spent much of this morning taking a trip down TV memory lane. The journey was set into play by my comment to a friend at the LA3 Boatparty saturday night that a woman there looked like Zelda from Terrahawks. This inspired me to search the net for a picture..and while doing so I came across the site TVCREAM.....

The rest of my AM was thus taken up revisiting cartoon programmes of my childhood - and downloading their very memorable themetunes. Who can forget Wait Til your Father Gets Home.... (Lyric above) and Help its the Hair Bear Bunch.... ( "In the Wonderland zoo..There are certain bears who....Help Help here come the bears...Lets split"... ). It seems cartoons and animation have a very substancial part in the way I Map and record my memories. Hannah Barbera have a lot to answer for. I'm almost embarrased to admit that such mapping extends even to my late teens and twenties; So many saturday mornings after "Fanriffic" (Hong Kong Phooey) friday nights out before to remember, I guess....

And so In honour of HB, here is my mantra of the Week.....

"By the power of Greyskull.......I have the power!!!!!!!"

2003-07-30T23:38:00.000+01:00

I did the deed this evening and 'finished' with A. He's taken it kinda hard, and I dont blame him. After all he was the one who was more eager for our relationship to develop and I was always the one holding off because I didnt want to enter into anything serious. So for me to finish with him on the basis that I did now want a bit more passion and stablity in my life (but not with him) It figures hes a bit confused...

.....And so am I, I guess! On the one hand I feel OK because I've actually gone ahead, confronted my feelings and tried to stear a path to what I want. On the other hand, though, I feel bad because I dont want to lose someone who has been very open minded in accepting me for who I am. He has become very dear and close to me over a period in which I've flourished and substancially discovered myself too. As much as I feel like phoning him up and telling him it was all lies and that I love him, I know that deep down I've made the right decision and should stick with it. If he values me according to those precise things which have led me to value him, theres no reason why we cant be enduring friends. As much as I know I can't be his passionate companion, life-long lover, I do know that I can and will be his loving friend, - and that he will always be a positive part of my life. I can only hope, in this regard at least, he feels the same way.......

2003-07-28T13:12:00.000+01:00

MONDAY MORNING
Monday morning. and sharp intake of breath as reality dawns. Pride and the week leading up to it has severely depleted my financial coffers.
Theres a storm of dirty laundry forming a drift up the side of my bedroom wall that needs washing....and with all that traipsing over Hyde park at the weekend my lounge carpet looks like the set of Animal Farm. I need to get a cleaner and a job to pay for him!.....

2003-07-27T20:58:00.000+01:00

PRIDE WEEKEND
- A lot to be proud of......and one or too things that I'm not too proud of....
First, it appears that I have a few readers now and, indeed, my first complaint: - I don't seem to write as much as I used to. Thank you for that - and my apologies. - What with my holiday and my great mood these days, it appears I have had little time for computer based stuff such as blogging. When I've come down from my holiday high I'll be aiming to return to writing as normal. I've been finding the whole process of Blogging my thoughts very therapeutic and I'll admit I'm starting to miss the routine of my morning writing sessions... Its nice to think, though, that what I write has an appeal and an audience broader than myself...

I've been very proud to be Gay this weekend too. Yesterday was Mardi Gras and for the first time in a while I've been thoroughly happy to celebrate that. The march in London was fun to watch and the party in Hyde park was great even if it was raining most of the time. Nothing like seeing masses of open gay umbrellas bobbing up and down in unison to Kylie Minogue as a sure sign of a British Gay Pride.. So nice to be bumping into so many people I know, arranging to meet up with them at various times - unlike previous years when all I seemed to do was bump into guys I knew through M. A sure sign, I guess, of how much I've moved on and the good circle of friends I've developed...

..I was also amazed at how many guys I knew seemed to want my company in a much closer sense! Friends or passing flings that I'd met over the year who seemed happy on this occasion to communicate stronger feelings towards me. This became a bit sticky a few times as people seemed to jostle for my attentions, including A. This was the first time I'd seen him since he got back from his holidays in Greece this Friday. One might have thought, given the time apart, that more effort would have been given to us getting together- but not so. On Friday night, A seemed more interested in sorting his weekend drugs out - and today seemed not too bothered about making me as meaningful a part of his day as I might expect from someone wanting me to call him his boyfriend. I wasn't particularly bothered either (something else I'm not proud of) - and I guess this is a sure sign of my growing realisation that as much as I value A and his friendship, I'm not in love with him and dont want to have a more committed arrangement with him. The passion and intimate involvement I found on holiday seems to have had a real affect in reminding me of what its all about and what I lack with him. And so I guess its time A and I had that chat about where we're headed.....

2003-07-25T08:16:00.000+01:00

CARRY ON DOCTOR
Uh oh here we go. Doctors appointments later today, and the results of my bloods.....
Turns out no reason for worries - some nice figures: - undetectable viral load and a CD4 count of 670! Great news! So doctor and I just chat for a while, - a brief discussion on lipodistrophy and if it has anything to do with the look of my tits; a chat about my rather unusual Quad drug therapy and whether or not we should tinker with it; a gossip about herpes and and the use of prophylactic drugs at such high CD4 counts. We agree, as usual that nothing is worth changing as I'm doing so well... Ho hum see you at Christmas then doctor......

And there we have it. A life threatening illness, controlled, co-ordinated, neatly doctored and packaged away in 35 minutes. And how wonderful that feels. I even decide not to pick up my drugs today thinking that, like my HIV, they would be just one or two niggling bits of baggage in my lifes adventure today and lately....