POZBLOG

2003-09-29T12:30:00.000+01:00

BLUE WONDERS
I have been forced this today, born of last weeks musings on fuzziness and coffee, to contemplate drug dependency.
HIV meds rituals...necessity rather than a lifestyle choice....
norimode - my taking of it to secure a social life - taken recreationally..
wonderful blue assistants. Viagra... again, medical qualification here... - HIV meds and copndition do seem to have reaction to sexual libido and performance... - anecdotal more becoming known...
Viagra... - heading out, 'ill just have a nibble on a bluey' before headign out, just in case.....
Recreational ccktails of others m,ight be a line of charlie to start the eve.. chin an E and then hone in the trip with a cuple of bumps of K.... several Espresso spike my mood and get me jigging (a couple of Vodka chasers help too).. secure the fun 2 or three pills of Loperamide (actually quite an addictive opiate..) and to end the evening - if its fashioning into something spiked with sexiual tensions, a quarter of a viagra.......

2003-09-23T00:56:00.000+01:00

FUZZY
Its been quite a strange and unclear day for me today. A day where my thoughts don't seem to have come as fully into focus as they usually do - leaving me a little directionless and 'infertile' compared to more fruitful and practical days. It figures then, that much of my day has been spent fiddling and browsing on the internet... Fuzzy seems to be a good way to describe my feelings and actions today...

Whilst I trying to think about why I felt this way, I have been forced to contemplate that I might be a little addicted to caffeine. I did have quite a few large strong cafe lattes when I got up and, Indeed, i do tend to drink quite a few more cups of coffee and tea than average. And I am wondering whether one of the consequnces of this, might be this sense of unclarity...

I have also started to question whether or not this feeling (I've had it before) might relate to some of the medications I am taking. Its mostly anecdotal, but I have heard that AZT and other drugs can have an affect on memory and thought patterns...

Either way, I am forced today to acknowledge that my capacity for clarity (if ever it was that clear) and my ability to think or act decisivley and clearly migth be compromised. I dont like that and I think I should try to do something about it..

I shall start by trying to drink less coffee. It might also help if I spent less time mindlessly pfaffing on the internet!!

2003-09-17T14:18:00.000+01:00

GOOD NEWS/BAD NEWS
My wheelings and dealings on the virtual Celbdaq market have now become a daily activity. In the past I have worried about the rises and falls of my cd4 counts and viral loads, but now it seems I worry more about the rise and fall of David Blanes and Ben Affleks... I amaze myself sometimes, at how i can be so distracted by the lure of things on the net....

My previous investments in Marylin Mansun didnt pay off by the way. Its always the case when celebreties are let off the hook and live, for the time being, happily ever after! - he was recently found not guilty in a court case, and thus the papers were not interested and so no virtual dividends for me as measure by few column inches of newspaper gossip Its the bad news that is the good news as far as this game is concerned.

And so I have learnt that you have to be ruthless in this virtual game if it is to 'pay out'. You have to invest in the real misfortunes and milk them for all their worth.

And so to the poor Williams siblings, Venus and Serena. The death of their poor sister has led to a goldmine in virtual dividends and share hikes this week. If only, of course, you can cope with the guilt of investing in them, and play the further sick game of playing the price of one famous sister off against the fame of the other...

Im sorry to say I've made a fair few virtual bucks out of them... and I'd do the same again if it meant that for a while I could continue to romanticise of an owned penthouse, that Audi Quattro, and a high-rolling lifestyle free of germs and disease....

2003-09-15T10:48:00.000+01:00

SHOWERED WITH KISSES...
I now realise, like most gay londoners have done for years it seems, that if yr feeling low on a Sunday, theres nothing like an afternoon and evening at the Royal Vauxhall Tavern for a guaranteed love in. Indeed, the stream of warmth and feeling flowing at around six o'clock can be as predictable as some of Dame Edna's take-offs,- as glittery and (semi-)precious as one of her sequined smocks. Dame Edna, by the way, is the dragged-up stage act who begins the evening with a comedy music routine....

The reaction of the crowd seems a bit similar to that of pavlogs dog.. A bunch of shirtless luvlies so honed to the knowledge of an emotive, sexual, cathartic reward that the atmosphere turns on a song... As Ednas theme tune purports, to the sheer delight of the gay hundreds, its like dancing in the rain and being showered with kisses.....

Sorry if I now get all Academic and theoretical but I have a brain, and for a few hours this sunday I was forced to wholeheartedly agree with the writer Bakhtin and his musings on the cathartic and liberating effects of what he terms carnivalesque. For thats exactly what the RVT was.. It was all there, the drag, the music, the sick humor, the scatalogical and, well, numerous side-shows... What fun it was, and how it serves to re-invigorate and re-centre the waylaid soul.....

2003-09-11T13:17:00.000+01:00

MONEY SPINNING
Recent virtual earnings from Celebdaq. would indeed come in real handy of late: I've now made more than Â£1300 pounds off the in/adversity of celebs such as JLo, Britney, and Beyonce - now theres a random name generator product if ever i saw one.... (Marylin Mansun is yet to pay off - but his shares are on the rise.....)

I say I could do with the money because it appears I really am broke! lately I've got into the routine of not checking my bank statements and inadvertently didn't realise that some of my state benefits had been stopped since August, pending the reciept of some information. My bank, seeing my situation before I did, took it upon themselves to up my overdraft limit - and so for the past month I've been withdrawing money willey-nilley not realising that its all been borrowed from the bank. Theres a lesson for me to be learned here! Open those bank letters when they arrive!... Thankfully the issues have been resolved and backpayments of benefits will put paid to the debt....

In the meantime I've taken to thinking about other ways in which I can make a little money on the side. Whilst flitting through the internet I came upon an interesting site and with a few minutes of digital manipulation and typing.......... You've read the Pozblog... now buy the merchandising !!

2003-09-09T00:51:00.000+01:00

INCHES
In a flurry of inactivity and boredom this weekend I came by the website and internet game of Celebdaq. Here you are invited to invest in celebrities as shares - You are given 10,000 virtual pounds and can make or lose money, based on deliberations of which VIPs are hot or not, risers or fallers, according to the predilections of the British press and the number of column inches they are given….

I’ve not been doing too badly as a beginner. Indeed, the £275 pounds I have virtually earned myself in the past 48 hours would have been a godsend in the real world. I made it through a rather shrewd investment in Britney Spears who’s share price soared in media value when video footage revealed her taste for diet pills.. George Clooney has been a bit of a money spinner too, it turns out, following his announcements that he can’t find a woman. I made the investment not because of a market whisper, but because HEY, I’m gay, I fancy him and Ill spend my pink pounds however I damn choose….!

I would have made a some more money had I not decided - rather strangely is seems - to invest 4000 nicker in Marylin Mansun. !…. My wonkey eye is for a bargain, tho - and he’s my ‘working girl’ big selling idea. When the jury comes back with his guilty verdict for Frottage theres gonna be a media free-for-all goldmine!!…..Shhhhhh keep it to yourself….

All this talk of media values and inches has led me to get my own ruler out in an aim to review my own blog writings by subject and popularity: - a POZDAQ if you like. It makes for insightful reading….

Highest on my index it seems are the subjects of excrement and drugs. If I’m not wittering on about yesterdays bad night out because of someone’s trips on K or E, I’m bemoaning my own dependence on Loperamide and its centrality to my viral condition. That and other medications. Traders will insist, however, that I’m British with a British sense of humour, so poo, farts and writing about them are bound to come up as frequently as takeover bids… Nights out and clubbing make for a fair investment too, followed by the themes of the internet, my love life, home life and my hatred/dependence on state handouts….…

OK the largest and most central topic of all is my HIV status, and that goes without saying ..But on the whole I can only remark at how normal and human I come across as. All that’s missing, it seems, from my index are a few odd inches of moans about work, maybe a few more topical reflections on politics, and the odd reference to a car. Such penny-in-the-pound market fillers, however, are more than adequately displaced by my highly more valuable lust for life and sense of self-improvement. All I need now, maybe, are a few more buyers……

2003-09-08T01:49:00.000+01:00

FROM ONE RUSH TO ANOTHER
Another week over and the few blogs posted of late are a testament to a current period of slight inertia on my part. September and its cooler climes have well and truly marked an end to a fantastic summer. College has started back and is humming along, but theres little there to maintain an interest that I would call avid or passionate. The lack of a significant other to plan my weekends around is increasingly showing its harder side. And things generally remain much the slow-same at home...

Its as if the huge tsunami of wonderfulness that the summer presented to me and upon which I rode is now all awash and i'm stuck in the waters. If I dont rush onwards a recessive tide will pull and suck me backwards. But which direction to now run in and how to assist myself in the knee-deep waters?.....

The only things which seem to be steaming ahead at full flow, I'm sorry to say.. have been my bowels... It hasn't helped that I still continue to suffer from the stomach problems of a month ago. Either I have a persistant gastric bug or my body has become now resistant to the Norimode I have consistently fed it to keep some control over my 'movements'. This has been a slightly depressing reminder that the wonder drugs might not last forever. Better thus, to act now, while I still can.....

My bowel problems have at least highlighted and reminded me of yet another interesting phenomenon that attends HIV sufferers. Knowledge of available public toilets and conveniences. . You may or may not have experienced that moment when you know (and I mean 'know') that if you don't reach a toilet in 2 minutes you are seriously going to embarrass yrself. Well that moment can occur quite regularly for the HIV sufferer as the virus and the antiviral drugs wreak havoc with yr digestive system and the mechanisms that tell your brain you need the mens room. And it obviously gets worse if the Norimode or anti-diarrhoetic (the spelling too is shit!) doesnt happen to work. Thank heavens, then, for a network of public conveniences and restrooms.

Just in the same way that the contestant must come up with the answer in the 5 seconds after the questioner has posed the winning teaser, so the HIV sufferer must think when pressed of the nearest loo: and theres no passing in this game!. If worst comes to worst, and yr in the High street, you can always guarantee the proximity of a Macdonalds and the small luxury of a steady a supply of toilet paper. That is if you can negotiate the obstacle manageress who assumes, since you're B-lining straight for the toilets instead of the big-macs, that you must be a junkie. If its your lucky day, the whiff of weak coffee will conote the presence of a nearby Starbucks and, praise be to God, a disabled toilet. With a hand basin and paper towels no-less.. OK the starbucks coffee may be crap, but the toilet facilities are to die for....If your'e not on a high street, then more lateral thinking is required... Pub? Betting shop? Library? bush?....

I was very nearly 'caught short' the other day whilst heading home from Clapham Junction train Station. I was out of the station, through the ticket barriers and the mall via the Cornish Pasty and Pie shop - casually down to the bus stops heading Brixton way when whoosh - the call was very clearly heard, nay, almost felt. My response was automatic! My head turned radar-like to detect the nearest potential respite, like Superman searching for a phone-booth or swing-door!.. I saw Macdonalds in the distance, but experience kept my head and radar circling for a few more seconds past Marks and Spencers (no - not this branch) and Woolworths (never) in the search for a more amenable solution. And there it was- Arding and Hobbs . An old faithful.

If Allders department stores only knew how many times their fourth floor facilities have come to my aid - Their loos in their Clapham Junction store have been refurbished too!.... Maybe I should start writing a HIV guide to useful public lavatories in London. I know, I'll come up with a rating system using little silver toilet rolls instead of gold stars. And hey, maybe the Terrence Higgins Trust will sponsor the project.....

2003-08-31T12:13:00.000+01:00

PERFORMANCE AND RESPONSIBILITY #1.
These two words have been cropping up quite a lot lately - and particularly this week. I wielded Performance and Responsibility both at class to impress upon my new students (who arrived in London this week) an appropriate framework for study. I tried as hard as I could to sound authoritative and crack the disciplinary whip,- but authoritative can be a role I find hard pressed to play. I'm the mouse that can roar when pushed, but I usually prefer to squeak loudly.....I don't think I impressed....

Performance and Responsibility have also been on my mind over the past few weeks since the last meeting with my 'shrink'. I happened to remember that I used the term "performance" a lot when I had a little bit of councilling at university some years ago - I was having a little trouble getting my assignments completed and in on time and my personal tutor thought that a few councilling and relaxation sessions might do the trick. The phrase also cropped up again about 9 months ago when I went to see a sex councillor in the hope that my doctor would put me on the list for prescribed Viagra. (In order to qualify for NHS Viagra your doctor has to make sure than any erectile dysfunction if you have it is a physical rather than mental problem). I went to the Sex Therapist thinking it would be a walk-over: I was wrong...A one-hour cuch trip later I was told "go out, dont worry about performance, Have -fun..". So I did....

Sex and essay writing: quite different themes I know, but here they were joined at the hip and parented by that couple Performance and Responsibility.....

It was in exploring the above links that I realised how much of my pleasure and perception of myself, good or bad, is born in relation to others and is 'enacted'. At college, I wrote essays mainly for my lecturers and as they were my main audience who judged my work - I worried about my performance. My failure to take better responsibility for my actions - writing the essays for myself and taking pleasure in that- had led to the issues of procrastination and non-completion. Any potential failings could thus be self-fulfilled via the back door - after all how can I be judged for something I havent done!... A similar situation could be said of activities in the bedroom. In the past I have often had sex more for the pleasure of my partners than necessarily my own needs - and similarly worried about my performance. And there have been times where a sheer failure to confront - take responsibility for - to enjoy -my own sexual needs have led me once again to procrastinate, put off having sex at all! In the midst of my current and continuing bout of self confidence and resultant sexual spree, I had forgotten that for a two year period about 10 years ago - I was almost celibate - too frightened to go out and see to my sexual needs....how sad and unfortunate is that!?

I dont know where all this thinking about Performance and Responsibility has gotten me and where its yet to go. I'm certainly grateful, however, of the reminders of how I once was, sexually and essay-writingly..and how much in certain areas I've changed for the better. I realise too, though, that these terms seem to cut to the heart of who I am - and underpin my general prediliction for procrastination and putting things off. Further thought on this, together with more grabbing of bulls by the horns, can only lead to me knowing myself better.

Hmmmm. Performance and Responsibility.....

2003-08-24T13:38:00.000+01:00

SEX DWARFED
24 hours of sex, music and clubbing this Friday has been just the job for keeping earlier sad autumnal ruminations at bay,hehe. In the process, I seem to have (re-)discovered why the late seventies and early eighties appeal to - god I sound like my dad when I say this next phrase - "the younger generation".....

I spent friday night at a night called 'The Cock' in the Ghetto Club, Soho. I was happy to try out an alternative Friday nighter, especially given that my usual haunt in south London was becoming so commercial, so full of morons. And what a fantastic night the Cock turned out to be; harder beats and dirty lyrics; certainly a seedier venue; and a good mixed crowd of mixed ages, from mullet boys to punkier hair-hoppers.. And the nicest thing? - a much happer drug scene,- if it was happening at all - None of that murky K snorting and introspection which you often get in the clonier clubs. (or maybe I just didnt see any?) Just a good crowd of up for it clubbers happy to have fun, enjoy the company and music. For a while there, dancing to those electronic beats and riffs from early eighties Indie, I was 19 again, back at the Rum -Runner club, Brimingham, hair crimped eyeliner and jodphurs on, feeling untouchable and dancing the night away....... Well, til 2AM anyway..

2003-08-22T12:31:00.000+01:00

Its slightly overcast here in London today as I type in my usual morning halfnakedness. Silvery rays are reflecting off the miriad windscreens of cars parked outside and into my lounge windows, glittered by last nights rain. The first cold breeze in a long while is wafting through the flat now and then. Its just enough to lift apart the half closing curtains, gesture the air with more harsh brilliance and work a path to touch my unshirted spine like a welcome-unwanted reveller. Scattered leaves on the bleached-dried grass outside, like the debris noticed on an emptying dancefloor, offer a final telling reminder that Autumn is just around the corner and is aiming to turn up the harsher lights on this golden summer's party........

2003-08-20T12:12:00.000+01:00

SPOT CHECK
.... And to top it off this past week I've not been too well. A very bad case of stomach pains and the runs, bought on I think as a bacterial consequence of M being ill with Shingles. I think I've got through a months supply of Norimode in just one week......

It all seemed to start a couple of days after Brighton pride. M complaining of a rash to his new boyfirend, the rash over the next 24 hours turning into horrible little white boils. Nasty, - especialy when M has a knack of skipping round the appartment in just a pair of knickers! Its around this time that I start getting a dodgy stomach. M's spotty rash turns out following a trip to the doctors to be Shingles, worsened by a bacterial infection of the skin. Just lovely! Its more than likely, the doctor says, that my dickie stomach is just a response to that extra bit of pestilence running around the flat!!

Some lessons can be learned here: First the doctor confirms that Shingles is bought on by a severe weakening of the immune system. Its very likely to recur in people who severely cane it with drugs on Brighton Pride weekends, especially if their immune and nerve system is already depleted by the use of Steroids!... M is not too happy that the doctor can read him like a book, and I steel my resolve to keep away from the recreational stimulants! Thankfully, as part of my HIV medications I take a prophylactic dose of Acyclovir each day which I think can keep herpes strain illnesses, such as Shingles, at bay. I must make sure I confirm that vis-a-vis shingles when I next see doctor.... I also realise that an extra bit of effort, bleach and disinfectant around the appartment would work wonders. (hmmm I really will look forward to employiong a cleaner!...)

The whole event reminds me, though, of my own severe case of Chicken Pox nearly ten years ago - so serious that it also gave rise to some moon sized craters and a mild case of bloodpoisoning. Clearly my own immune system was at a low then, and I wonder if that illness marked the moment of my HIV seroconversion. Suddenly images of HIV coffee mornings spring to mind, - "tell me, Pozblog.." I hear someone say as a bunch of butch leather queens politely peck at rich tea biscuits and labour hard to make sure no coffee is spilt on their chaps "...what serious illness bought your HIV on...."

2003-08-19T15:43:00.000+01:00

DUMPING GROUNDS
I havent blogged for a while. It's not that nothing has been going on. More of a case of a fair bit going on, just me having a little trouble sorting things out and writing about them....

First I've been finding it a bit hard without A around. - I didnt realise how much I value his company and the withdrawal has been kinda harsh. I've spent a fair bit of time this week ruminating over the rightness of my decision. He accepted me for who I am, warts and all; I could thoroughly relax in his company; and we made each other laugh and feel wanted.... I've found it hard, I suppose, because I question whether or not I will find someone to do similar and more....

In the absence of A, I guess I sought solace in the company of another nice guy, K. I'd seen him a couple of times on a casual, sexual, basis - and last week agreed to go on a date with him... Although he was nice too and I saw him again... I've been increasinly feeling that I'm certainly not ready to jump into another form of relationship, especially just after having finished with A. So it turned out to be another 'dear John' dumping situation - the second in a month! He took it rather badly - suggesting to me that I'd probably done the right thing given that I'd only just met him, but also evidence that I am capable of generating strong feelings in people....

All this has brought me to a 'Sex and the City' kinda questioning these days: How can I expect someone to love me full-on 100% when I dont love myself full-on 100%...? That question is of course rhetorical, the bigger realisation and underlying 'answer' I suppose means more work coming to terms with who I am and what I want before I can consider giving it up and fully relaxing to love someone else....

Such ruminations have led me to question what I have to go on... and so I've asked myself If I ever was in the past truly in love with anyone or if not - what relationship in my mind best approximated it. Yep its been a real 'Carrie' kinda week of things - with none of the alternative 'Samantha' -type encounters to make ease of the situation!!! Did I ever fully love myself and who I am, or did someone or something related to Love happen along and cause me to question it all? Some heavy contemplation, I can tell you, but regardless of the past I think I do love myself. Its more a case of having little faith and trust in sharing it with others. Something seems to have left me with a little lack of faith and trust..... and I need to do something about that -....!

So more on this to follow......

2003-08-11T12:47:00.000+01:00

More of that reality dawning today. Its hot and sticky, I have little money and I have to make some decisions about work... (I'm also feeling a little podgy and so a little more effort down at the gym wouldnt go amiss either!)

As much as I seem to have gotten myself relatively together at a personal level (and am very proud of that), I've lately been feeling a little 'flimsy' and 'disconnected' in the more materialist areas of work and play. As if lately, I'm feeling not quite all there...living a half life on the peripharies of thirty-something stability.

I find when I meet some people and they ask those questions about 'what do you do? etc' I get a little edgy, knowing that the information I give them is not as complete and truthful as it might be. I guess I am starting to feel a little ashamed at being dependent on those government handouts such as DLA. I clearly I dont inform many people that I am claiming them, choosing instead to emphasise the work I now do part time or not at all. Its kind of hard admitting that economically Im part of 'the underclass'... Harder, it seems, than admitting that I am HIV! Now theres a heavy thought for a monday morning .....

2003-08-10T10:41:00.000+01:00

MORE PRIDE
I spent another dreamy day on the coast yesterday, this time in Brighton for their Pride celebrations. An early jaunt on the train with my mate C , a big breakfast, then off to a pre-pride party and to the Park... And what a glorious and fun day it was, putting London to Shame in its organisation and spirit. - bought back memories of the old pride festivals in Brockwell park and Clapham Common.... Sun pouring down, squeals from the funfair, backbeats from the dance tents and huddles of guys and girls tightly lazing in the shadows of the parktrees...

..And who should I bump into there but my lovely mate from the coast on wednesday with a few of his friends. It figures we spent a little more time with each other than we should have done given that we both had friends in tow, - but what the heck - It was great to be doing that full on snogging in the middle of the park with absolutely no-one batting an eyelid..... Ended up spending the rest of the day together .....

And so back home on the 9pm train, packed to the hilts with dazed revellers and other sorts of brighton trippers.

2003-08-07T20:30:00.000+01:00

2 GO MAD IN DORSET
Just back from a couple of wonderful days on the coast! Great nude sunbathing, great company, great weather.....and great everything else!!...

With a swish of my beach sarong I veil any other details of my fantastic adventure by the sea.. other than to say that I will sure remember what I was up to on the hottest day in Britain since 1977......

2003-08-05T11:45:00.000+01:00

A FEW THINGS TO SMILE ABOUT

"We're having a heatwave...."
Early sixties feminism sprang to mind this morning as I grabbed a mirror, opened up and took a bloody good look and poke around! But I'm talking my mouth of course and my recent dental work. ..and, well, apart from the gap and a sore cheek, everything feels fine and dandy in there. Dentist even fixed a chip on one of my front teeth so I have an even more fabulously pearly white smile....

"...a tropical heatwave.."
A texted me as well. - I had seen him out and about over the weekend but the reception was cool, - so it was nice to have him invite me out for dinner and a chat on friday night, which I accepted. I have missed his chirpy texts a lot and its been difficult trying not to call him..so I look forward to the possibility that a good frienship will evolve out of this....

"the tempratures rising, it isn't surprising...."
And guess what!? That man from the coast that I'd chatted with last friday (see blog Aug 01). Phwoooar!! Well Ive been chatting with him every day since then and we get along. So Im heading down to the coast for a couple of days tomorrow to meet him. I'm sure we'll hit it off, but even if we don't a couple of days by the sea in this heat is gonna be very welcome!...

"we suddenly can, Can can.....!"

2003-08-04T12:07:00.000+01:00

LIDOCAINE LIP
Outh!... I cant thpeak withou' 'ribbling......
I'm just back from the Dental Hospital.
Being HIV and Squeaminsh means I qualify for free special care dentistry and sedation. No Sadie, my usual lovely dentist tho' this week. Oh no!... Today it was David - and a set of stronger hands needed to yank out that miserable tooth!... Ok, It wasnt too bad... - Lulled into a false sense of security through encouragement to think back to my holiday (hmm The Lovely Frenchman... ) it was a bit of a tense tug, a metalic flavoured crunch and a flailing arm for a second or too ..and well that was about it.. Then quickly on to Joy, the hygeinist and a 30 minute session of the hardest scraping and sandblasting before the gas wore off. Lastly another rant on appropriate brushing and meticulous oral care and the job was over. And there you go, -this season of dental drama done with no cliffhangers leading to another series in the imminent future.....

Give it another couple of hours and the anaesthetic will be wearing off! - and that is when the dull ache will start and the tongue will be feeling for the gap where the tooth was. - It will feel, no doubt, like there's a Khyber pass in my mouth - hopefully not with appropriate smells of afghan camel dung, given the state of my gums ......

As much as I'm trying to give myself that proverbial pat on the back for actually going - (Ive had cancellation and procrastination dreams all night..) It is slowly dawning on me that, Unlike in childhood, the tooth will not grow back. That gaping chasm soon to be felt is a knowing sign of the disparity between my late feeling s of youthfulness and a bodily reality of continuing age with odd bits of decrepitude - and I think its that, rather than the actual process of extraction which will be giving me a dull ache today.

2003-08-02T15:00:00.000+01:00

CLUBBING TYPES...OR TYPES THAT NEED CLUBBING!
Sitting here, a glorious sunny day outside; Lamb blasting out on my media player; me wondering and hoping that such a glorious summer feeling would be more constant, never end.... I'll be heading out into the sun in a bit...

A much more balanced sentiment, I think, compared to those I had last night whilst out clubbing. And I think I've finally now realised the south London Friday clubbing equation that leads people to drugtaking. First, as the night progresses, the music keeps getting better -but unfortunately the clubbers keep getting skankier. People presumably snort the K to anaesthetise their eyes from seeing who is actually dancing around them, touching them up....! Sorry if that sounds bitter and twisted, but in a state of absolute sobriety last night I couldn't help but notice the crowd around me and it wasn't its usually appealing coterie. Here are some of the clubber dance types I could'nt help but notice as I tried to groove my night away:

The Flailer: That guy who seems to have lost all sense of personal space as he invades that of others with his combine harvester limbs, ploughing up the more serene clubbers on the dancefloor and reducing them to chaff. a bit like one of those wind up swimmer toys you let loose in the bath, unable to pre-empt where its gonna end up..... Ever more deadly and destructive if the said flailer is wielding a lit cigarette!!

The Wannabe Eighties Grease Dance Extra (WEDGE for short).: Those ultramodish guys who insists on dancing move for move and gesture for gesture like they're a seventies or eighties throwback. Sorry guys, but some of those retro dance 'quotes' from the Birdie Song and Grease are more funny than aesthetically groovy, especially if you dont get them exactly right. (Remember I was their at the time of the original!..) Thankfully these types seem to run out of steam after the first hour of clubbing and disappear never to be seen again, presumably in a re-appropriated PoMo club version of 'Bermuda Triangle'. Well... they disappear til next friday anyway......

The Tiggy Leg Berk: (royalists will see the joke..) That guy who seems to be experiencing the core of his E-reverie through the muscles of his upper legs and arse hole. Hes the one dancing in those crouching positions, an arse as pert and as wide as the grin on his face. The movement of the legs and butt resemble a guy blindly seeking a toilet seat in the absence of a light bulb. And the face has that kind of look you can imagine someone having as they crouch and crap behind a bush after having held it in for an hour and thirty minutes....

Le Chic K Freak ("...lets Bump"): That smooth operator who seems to glide effortlessly accross the dance floor, hips bagatelling the others out of the way as he smooches from corner to corner in search of his next free bump of K. There he goes, quick as a flash at the glint of glass from a clubbers pocket. False alarm though- only a bottle of poppers this time...but hes ever alert for that flick and twist of the wrist that denotes an imminent dispense and snort....

2003-08-01T03:08:00.000+01:00

WOW. Ive just spent the last hour and a half chatting on the phone with this gorgeous and interesting guy from the coast! I happened across his Gaydar profile earlier today, sent him a couple of messages over the afternoon and whaddaya know - pouring out life stories, long-distance over cups of coffee and tea in the wee small hours of the morning.

Its actually amazing how intimate a phonecall can get these days without knowing it! What with my free handset and love of caffeine, this stranger was effectively chatting to me in my kitchen while I microwaved some hot milk for a cappucino, hunted my fridge for a midnight snack and probably bit my nails or picked my nose in the absence of finding one. And at his end?... Well, apparently I was chatting to him whilst he was undressing and getting ready for bed - purely innocently of course - although he too has a roamers handset and what he was doing with his free hand remains a mystery! The majority of our conversation, we inform each other at the end, was undertaken with me curled up on my sofa and him tucked snuggly away under his duvet... All so natural and unassuming that somehow images of Jim-Bob chatting warmly through the wall to John-boy before wishing goodnight to the rest of the Blue-Ridge household spring readily and stangely to mind. .... Except we're both better looking than the Waltons boys, of course. We wouldnt be seen dead in a pair of dungarees and our storylines are a heck of a lot more racy - Hell, Ike and Corabeth Godsey would have had a field day whisperin' down at their store....!

And so to the didactic end of this episode... How I continue to be blown away by how people including myself want and love to give freely of themselves and share their lives to relative strangers based on the trusts presented by few words and images.

Brings a near tear to the eye....

G'night Elizabeth. G'night Sue-Ellen, G'night Ben.....

2003-07-31T13:06:00.000+01:00

MAGHREB - AL - AKSA!
I've decided today that Moroccan is the new Thai.
For the past week I've been hooked on this new Moroccan Chicken Soup that the Covent Garden Company have as their monthly flavour. Its just gorgeous. Not only that, - if you add a bit of extra meat, a few chopped up apricots, chilli and chick-peas it can be easily mistaken for a home-made Tagine.... -What normally takes forever to cook and costs the earth with those pickled lemons can now be ready in a jiffy and for half the price! So no more lemon grass and coconut milk for me - or my guests!... Out with those yellow curries - Im on the road, as they say, to Morocco.... - The next time I'll serve it in honor of Bob Hope, may he RIP - Well, I know plenty of guys who'll jump at the chance to dress for dinner as Dorothy L'amour.....

2003-07-31T12:57:00.000+01:00

GET THE PICTURE....
"I love my mom and dad and my brothers too and the groovy way we get along...."

I've spent much of this morning taking a trip down TV memory lane. The journey was set into play by my comment to a friend at the LA3 Boatparty saturday night that a woman there looked like Zelda from Terrahawks. This inspired me to search the net for a picture..and while doing so I came across the site TVCREAM.....

The rest of my AM was thus taken up revisiting cartoon programmes of my childhood - and downloading their very memorable themetunes. Who can forget Wait Til your Father Gets Home.... (Lyric above) and Help its the Hair Bear Bunch.... ( "In the Wonderland zoo..There are certain bears who....Help Help here come the bears...Lets split"... ). It seems cartoons and animation have a very substancial part in the way I Map and record my memories. Hannah Barbera have a lot to answer for. I'm almost embarrased to admit that such mapping extends even to my late teens and twenties; So many saturday mornings after "Fanriffic" (Hong Kong Phooey) friday nights out before to remember, I guess....

And so In honour of HB, here is my mantra of the Week.....

"By the power of Greyskull.......I have the power!!!!!!!"

2003-07-30T23:38:00.000+01:00

I did the deed this evening and 'finished' with A. He's taken it kinda hard, and I dont blame him. After all he was the one who was more eager for our relationship to develop and I was always the one holding off because I didnt want to enter into anything serious. So for me to finish with him on the basis that I did now want a bit more passion and stablity in my life (but not with him) It figures hes a bit confused...

.....And so am I, I guess! On the one hand I feel OK because I've actually gone ahead, confronted my feelings and tried to stear a path to what I want. On the other hand, though, I feel bad because I dont want to lose someone who has been very open minded in accepting me for who I am. He has become very dear and close to me over a period in which I've flourished and substancially discovered myself too. As much as I feel like phoning him up and telling him it was all lies and that I love him, I know that deep down I've made the right decision and should stick with it. If he values me according to those precise things which have led me to value him, theres no reason why we cant be enduring friends. As much as I know I can't be his passionate companion, life-long lover, I do know that I can and will be his loving friend, - and that he will always be a positive part of my life. I can only hope, in this regard at least, he feels the same way.......

2003-07-28T13:12:00.000+01:00

MONDAY MORNING
Monday morning. and sharp intake of breath as reality dawns. Pride and the week leading up to it has severely depleted my financial coffers.
Theres a storm of dirty laundry forming a drift up the side of my bedroom wall that needs washing....and with all that traipsing over Hyde park at the weekend my lounge carpet looks like the set of Animal Farm. I need to get a cleaner and a job to pay for him!.....

2003-07-27T20:58:00.000+01:00

PRIDE WEEKEND
- A lot to be proud of......and one or too things that I'm not too proud of....
First, it appears that I have a few readers now and, indeed, my first complaint: - I don't seem to write as much as I used to. Thank you for that - and my apologies. - What with my holiday and my great mood these days, it appears I have had little time for computer based stuff such as blogging. When I've come down from my holiday high I'll be aiming to return to writing as normal. I've been finding the whole process of Blogging my thoughts very therapeutic and I'll admit I'm starting to miss the routine of my morning writing sessions... Its nice to think, though, that what I write has an appeal and an audience broader than myself...

I've been very proud to be Gay this weekend too. Yesterday was Mardi Gras and for the first time in a while I've been thoroughly happy to celebrate that. The march in London was fun to watch and the party in Hyde park was great even if it was raining most of the time. Nothing like seeing masses of open gay umbrellas bobbing up and down in unison to Kylie Minogue as a sure sign of a British Gay Pride.. So nice to be bumping into so many people I know, arranging to meet up with them at various times - unlike previous years when all I seemed to do was bump into guys I knew through M. A sure sign, I guess, of how much I've moved on and the good circle of friends I've developed...

..I was also amazed at how many guys I knew seemed to want my company in a much closer sense! Friends or passing flings that I'd met over the year who seemed happy on this occasion to communicate stronger feelings towards me. This became a bit sticky a few times as people seemed to jostle for my attentions, including A. This was the first time I'd seen him since he got back from his holidays in Greece this Friday. One might have thought, given the time apart, that more effort would have been given to us getting together- but not so. On Friday night, A seemed more interested in sorting his weekend drugs out - and today seemed not too bothered about making me as meaningful a part of his day as I might expect from someone wanting me to call him his boyfriend. I wasn't particularly bothered either (something else I'm not proud of) - and I guess this is a sure sign of my growing realisation that as much as I value A and his friendship, I'm not in love with him and dont want to have a more committed arrangement with him. The passion and intimate involvement I found on holiday seems to have had a real affect in reminding me of what its all about and what I lack with him. And so I guess its time A and I had that chat about where we're headed.....

2003-07-25T08:16:00.000+01:00

CARRY ON DOCTOR
Uh oh here we go. Doctors appointments later today, and the results of my bloods.....
Turns out no reason for worries - some nice figures: - undetectable viral load and a CD4 count of 670! Great news! So doctor and I just chat for a while, - a brief discussion on lipodistrophy and if it has anything to do with the look of my tits; a chat about my rather unusual Quad drug therapy and whether or not we should tinker with it; a gossip about herpes and and the use of prophylactic drugs at such high CD4 counts. We agree, as usual that nothing is worth changing as I'm doing so well... Ho hum see you at Christmas then doctor......

And there we have it. A life threatening illness, controlled, co-ordinated, neatly doctored and packaged away in 35 minutes. And how wonderful that feels. I even decide not to pick up my drugs today thinking that, like my HIV, they would be just one or two niggling bits of baggage in my lifes adventure today and lately....

2003-07-21T01:08:00.000+01:00

HOLIDAY HEAVEN 2

A few other fab memories that Iv'e been thinking about over the past few days that I dont want to forget....

...The guy on the beach with the cigarette holder and 'Adonis' rhinestoned on the back of his speedos. How this led to laughing and joking with the Aussies about what we might do with bedazzler machines ......
...AM at the Romantic and all those queens who worked extra hard to look their best for breakfast....
...Trying to explain to the Germans what a 'Mullet' is...
...The Bourbon bar and its barman. Just what was that pole above the till for?...- and will someone steal the bloody pea from his whistle.......
...."Pull up...Pull up" no, not the sound of an In-flight altimiter alarm. - The sound of my 'slouchometer' alarm sitting at the Parrot Bar!....
...having so much fun at the foam party, squeaky soggy trainers and all! - everyone having very stingy skin the day after on the beach....
.. just having a generally fun time, having people come over, chat, pass the time of day...as if thats the way it always is....
... a lovely LOVELY frenchman licking my elbows....

2003-07-18T15:42:00.000+01:00

HOLIDAY HEAVEN 1...
Well I'm back, and I'm beaming from ear to ear. One of the best short holidays I've ever had its fair to say.
What started out as an intention to have a 'lads holiday' turned out to be so much more than that. Friends, laughs, yes sex and ,shock, even a foam party... but a romance? - now that was unexpected....

Its amazing what sun sea and sand can do to bring out the boyz - and in a gay resort it can engender in men a sense of real friendliness and commonality. And thats exactly how it felt this vacation..- like being on holiday with family and friends. I don't think I've ever felt so at ease with myself as during this week at Sitges, and my sense of self love and fun seemed to have real impact on others... First on C, also experiencing his first -non-partnered holiday. Second on the 2 Australians and 2 Germans who we befriended and who became best pals for the first 4 days of the week. Third on a most beautiful frenchman who, for a while, I was abslolutely besotted with. For all of these lovely and interesting people I felt a strong sense of giving of myself - with no worries or fears of consequence. As if quite literally, I was on holiday from some of the usual barriers that prevent me being myself and happy about it. - And the consequences in terms of friendships, trust and intimacy were a wonder for me to behold. A true high.

On the last day I was quite tearful. Almost ridiculously so. I tried to explain why i was weepy to C. I told him that it was as if over these last few years of living with M (and the diagnoses and the HIV etc) I had gotten so to the point of living with his anger and unfriendliness, that I had started almost to believe M's criticisms of me as hardened, vindictive, incapable of friendships and intimacy. And so to have all of that so wholeheartedly disproved, to have a self so definitley reflected in the joyous others that I had met and touched, it felt as if I had been unburdened, allowed to feel again.. I guess I needed that holiday!!

One of the nicest things on the last weekend came from two Swedish guys who always sunbathed behind us on deckbeds. "Thank you" they said to me, "for being so happy and smiling every day. Every one else seems so sour and unfriendly.. you were a highpoint on the beach this holiday and looked as if you were really enjoying yourself...."

And so to my beautiful frenchman.....
Imagine the scene: Eyes meet across a beach. They toy with each other for a while, but mine and my smile can't hide the feelings that lie behind them. I think to myself "I want and will have that man...". We bump into each other later that night at a bar. He thinks I'm with a boyfriend and just flirting for kicks. I put him straight and ask him if he would be so kind as to come chat with me on the beach the following day. He does and so begins another wonderful day of flirting, eyes seeking each other and the loveliest of laughs and smiles. We meet several times in the water, where our intimacy grows and we talk of our sexual interests couched in food metaphors. I like spit roast, (- he laughs when I explain that to him...) - he likes his meat cooked well on both sides. I know exactly what he means... Another day over and he intimates that he will be heading out tonight.... I spend the rest of the day thinking about his lovely face and body, hoping that I bump into him. Later that day I do bump into him, we chat alot about private - ex partners and so on, getting closer by the minute. We move to a more crowded bar, and as we move through the crowds to find a spot he grabs and holds my hand... From there the proximity gets closer and eventually steamier, as in the absence of an empty hotel room (we both share) the evening ends very intimately on the seashore... The most perfect end to a perfect day as we agree not to fully consumate how we feel in a way that would somehow undermine it. I honestly dont think I've ever met anyone so at ease with himself and so wonderfully at ease with me.

The following day I'm floating in heaven. At the beach early and can't wait to see him again. He arrives, comes over, and we spend much of the day in each others arms, snogging on the beach, splashing and flirting and almost having sex again in the sea....Or romance ends that evening as we bump into each other the night before he leaves. We dance the night away - hes a smooth mover - and hug and promise to write. and I think to mself "I wanted....and got that man....."

I've already written him a couple of emails - I simply couldnt resist writing him to thank him for renewing my faith in intimacy and for how he has made me feel. He's written me back with photos already too, saying that his reactions and feelings were only born out of my actions towards him. I haven't told him yet that he has been the first thing on my mind when I've woken up the past few days. I might tell him that, though....eventually....

2003-07-07T19:49:00.000+01:00

SUMMER HOLIDAY
Well I'm all packed and ready for my hols..... Some last minute running around required, - I'd run out of Norimode and had an urge to buy some new beach flipflops - but all sorted now. Just the long wait 'til tomorrow morning.. I've invited some friends over to help me polish off what remains in the fridge and break the monotony...
I'm dead excited. I know its only a holiday in Sitges, but I somehow feel as if I'm about to embark on a trip into some unexplored territory - a boys holiday with my mate, C... So I guess its bon voyage... I'll see if I can find a net cafe while I'm there and blog a postcard...!

2003-07-04T12:32:00.000+01:00

MS EGO MASSEUR (XP VERSION)
The best word to describe me today would I think be FRISKY.
The weekends coming up, and to measure by recent times its gonna be fun. Not only that, Shortly after the weekend I will be going on my holidays (YEAHHHH!) - a week of sand, sea, sexy men wearing very little and, hopefully, plenty of sun...
I noted the dates of my holiday in my MS WORKS calendar, assigning the week alarm tag to it. This was primarily to give myself plenty of reminders to order my currency, extra medications, sun creams and so on (- but as I was excited about it, such holiday tasks were sorted ages ago). Since last week, however, I have recieved a musical fanfare and the message "yeahhh! holiday" whenever I have turned on my computer. A silly thing, you might think, but that little message has cheered me up no end...
And so now I've started typing in other reminder messages to myself so that they ping up from time to time on my computer. It appears, thus, next thursday I have a 5 O'clock appointment with 'Sexiness'.... and the message that I recieve each morning is "PHWOOOAR YOUR A STUNNER!!". This is followed by midday and midnight reminders.
I wonder if Microsoft ever foresaw that their calendar programme would ever be used as a self-complimenting programme. Maybe they should re-brand it as the MS Ego Masseur......

2003-07-02T11:29:00.000+01:00

VERBAL DIARRHOEA
Incursive. - Isn't that a lovely word? - it just rolls off the tongue!.... Here are some other interesting words and synonyms that i've used today: Invasive; encroaching; intrusive; inroading; proliferating.....
I've been going through my DLA forms before I post them off and constructing a covering letter in one last ditch attempt to positively influence my claim... OK I may be ill and my mental faculties may eventually leave me, but I'm hoping to be eloquent, loquacious, and wordy to the last.......

2003-07-01T12:29:00.000+01:00

WHATS IN A NAME
These fabulous weekends are becoming a little bit of a habit now....
First, on Friday I find a trail to someone in Australia who very definitely has read my blog and I find that very heartening. I know his name - Hartley - what a nice name -and as part of his blog he points out that if you are wiley, computer literate, ..and bothered..., you can discover mine. Clearly if any of my writings move someone to thought or action they are doing the trick- and even more so if they encourage thoughts on the value of good health and therapeutic communication. So I'm very chuffed and I here thank this reader for stopping by!...
A good way to start my day, I think, and the inspiration continues when my friend, K, visits for coffee. I choose to tell him of my status, knowing he is HIV+ too, and we have a good chat and sharing session... A very sexy Gaydar meet in the afternoon goes similarly well. I wont bother to give him a name or letter as I certainly won't see or mention him again.. I move into the evening with a workout with my good Gym buddy, C (who doesnt know my status but very soon will!) followed by drinks and a dance in south London with my significant other, A. (he seems to know absolutely everything about me, including my status, and I love him for it). Whilst out, I meet and befriend another chap. Lets call him X, but it must be said I did end up spending most of saturday, sunday and monday with him, - hes a very lovely and interesting chap, and so I'm contemplating calling him P instead of X as P seems so much friendlier. I Havent decided, yet, whether or not, or when and where I will tell him my status. Enough said....
All in all a fantastic weekend as I recall my varied and friendly inter-relations with people. Phew!, - I seem to have run the A to Z of friendly exchanges from anonymous and polite to very intimate and sordid, with long-term, short-term, old friend and new friend varieties in between... How lovely it is, I now contemplate, to experience the fulls of social communication. Yet how sad, that its record, its trace, its celebration in this blog should be so dehumanised by the presence of alphabetical letters as stand-ins for such loving personalities.
I am here reminded of a preface to a book, where it is written "No names have been changed in this book to protect the innocent - as no-one is ever innocent..." I've probably misquoted, but I think the author is Kurt Vonnegut - and I'm certainly not worried about writing his name here because hes famous, and to quote the author again - he couldn't give "doodly squat". None of my super friends are innocent, either, judging from what they told me they got up to this weekend - but I will prefer to keep them anonymous anyway. After all, and I think this is a more pertinent quote - "it is not the name of a thing that is meaningful but the thing in-itself... such is the case of Beauty"...Such is also be the case for Friendship; and in my anonymity, my lack of naming it is my varied friendships which I seek to protect. The quote, I think, is from Joshua Reynolds' "Discourses", by the way; and at university I assigned him the nickname "Debbie".....
Oh! -If you want my name simply email me and I will give it to you. Id hate to think of anyone backwards trawling through Google or algebraically working out my complex yet magical relations of As, Bs, X, Y and Zs....
..... and if you see my friend C, please dont tell him my status, because I would very much like to do that myself when the time is right.....

2003-06-27T11:55:00.000+01:00

BLOOD LETTING
I had my bloods taken this morning. 5 tubes of the stuff removed for analysis, the results of which will be discussed in 3 weeks time with my HIV specialist. I see my doctor about 3 times a year and whilst you think i'd be comfortable with these meetings by now, they still make me feel a little uneasy, - especially around the time of the 'blood letting'. - after all it is my state of health at the time blood is taken which is the subject for discussion three weeks later. (By which time, of course, things could have got better or worse...). I can't help but wish my bloodcells well as they seep down that tube and march their way to the various frontline labs; this millilitre of blood assigned to viral load analysis, that mililitre dispatched to syphilis screening duty.... None will return home but we will duly reap the benefits or consequences of their faithful service.....
The subject of Syphilis screening was high on my nurse's mind this morning as she strove to find light conversation whilst macerating my arm for the blood. I'm notorious at the clinic for having 'jiggly veins' - veins which dodge out of the way just as you are about to lance one with the needle. It is this trait which usually puts a nurse on edge, leading them to whitter inanely on any subject which first enters their mind. And so it was syphilis, the pros of screening and the pain of the treatment injections. "I'd prefer to go mad" i said jokingly....
Such is the 'jiggliness' of my veins that i'ts rare, indeed, for me to leave the clinic with just one plaster on my arm. Theres usually a lot of poking around before the unlucky 'bleeder' manages to hook one. It's usually followed by an exasperated "gotcha yer bugger" coming from the nurse, bringing images of JR Hartley in waders and with a fishing rod to mind....Thankfully the nurse, who I thought was German, got the thing done first go. I looked at her and said "Vorsprung durch Technik", assuming she would get my witty 90s reference to German technical efficiency (the phrase was used to sell Audi cars..). She looked at me as if I had gone mad. "I'll just check your last screening for syphilis before you go" she said........

2003-06-23T09:54:00.000+01:00

Not Long back from the Royal Vauxhall Tavern. An evening of half naked men, all shapes and sizes, mostly off their heads and like me content just to share being happy and high as our weekends draw to a close. As much as I have enjoyed my weekend (re-) visiting family, chatting with aunts and mothers and sisters.. there is, unfortunately, only so much heterosexuality and matriarchy I can take. Bring on the boys.....

2003-06-22T17:55:00.000+01:00

FAMILY FUNERAL
Just back from another visit seeing family in the Midlands. An Uncle's untimely death last week meant clan-calls from my sister about the funeral this friday and I agreed to go. I didn't know the uncle too well, but I felt the need to show support and respect to my mother, I guess.
Now I should point out that I have never been too hot on fmily gatherings... Whilst I used to like all those family weddings when I was younger (mainly for the party food) - I have never been a great socialiser, and particularly so with my many aunts uncles and cousins. I never seem to have the funny anecdotes to tell, an interesting adventure or memory. Certainly never the interesting childhoods that my aunts and cousins seem to have led. I was always the one, it seems, whose main purpose was to instigate small-talk about being handsome or growing taller. Either that or fetching ash-trays. And so in later life small talk can still sometimes avoid me at such gatherings - or, rather, I have avoided it as I have gone in search of a quieter corner and a more interesting sandwich from the food table...
....I have somehow and for certain reasons, managed to shun these large family gatherings for about 20 years. Until now. Caused to think about my mother's gradual loss of her siblings ("five down, three to go," she said...) I was bought to think of my own death and the reassurance of feelings that you are known and remembered.
It was a sad affair. Sadness of the occasion - clearly he was a man well loved and missed. Sadness at my realisation - given a 20 year absence from gatherings - that the numbers in my extended family have extraodinarily dwindled. But there was happiness there too. A room of ancients eager to share their adventures and lives as if the perpetuation of memory was enough in itself to stave away the reaper. And such solidarity in mirth. Despite the solemnity of the occasion, I half expected someone to suggest we move the furniture, join hands and do the hokey cokey....
I came across at the event a bit of a stranger. And it figures. Many were forced to enact the old "I havent seen you since you were this height", others took double takes, and others very much like me, chose just to pretend that we'd just forgotten the name or the face. But I never felt an outsider.
Before I left I had a chance to chat briefly with the cousin who's father had just been buried. After a quick chat and apologies for not having got to know her family more she asked "Are you happy?". " Yes" I replied, and to which she responded "well even after 20 years, thats all we really need to know...."

2003-06-19T11:40:00.000+01:00

THE VISIT (AFTER)
Hmmm... I feel as if I've just bullshitted for England - even though I haven't. Certainly the first time that I've sat with a stranger at my dinner table and spent an hour talking about poo with a cup of coffee and a rich tea finger.....
Of course I'm now worried that some DLA spy might come across this blog, find out who I am and use it in evidence against me... And all this to maintenance the twenty or so pounds I get each week to pay for my extra toilet rolls, vitamins and washing powder....
But we've filled in the 40 page forms together and the DLA worker has left them behind for me to check before posting. And very nice of her to come at 12 rather than 4 in the allocated 12-4 time slot... I' now free this afternoon to walk (slowly but out of breath of course! - a DLA joke) to the shops... I think I might run the forms past a benefits adviser at the Lighthouse or THT, though, before I post them off. Best to make sure there's nothing I've misssed out or mis-represented...and it will be good to have some reassurance in my justified right to claim....

2003-06-19T11:27:00.000+01:00

THE VISIT (BEFORE)
Hmmph! I have a visitor coming this afternoon from 'the Disability'. I'm not exactly running out to buy scones and tea, though! As a disabled person due to my HIV, I can qualify for a number of packages of assistance from my government. One benefit I can (and do) claim is Disability Living Allowance (DLA).This is a weekly payment which allows me to offset some of the extra costs brought about by my Illness. I hate claiming this benefit, even though at times I am financially dependent upon it. When first doing the paperwork, HIV agencies advise that you need to present a worst case scenario of your condition. Whilst you may feel great this week, you may feel vile the next and require help with shopping. Whilst today you seem to be able to control your bowel movements, tomorrow there may be those extra cartloads of bed linen to wash, etc...
The reasons I hate the processes of DLA are quite straightforward. In filling in the forms and writing what might happen, you are forced to imagine a potentially real future of very chronic infirmity and need. And it really does feel at times as if you are wishing yourself ill for the sake of a few bucks... All of this, of course, on a day when you feel in good health. Which also doesn't help, because you then start to feel as if your assesment is fraudulent. You start, ironically, to feel guilty about feeling healthy!
If you are lucky, a case worker never comes to verify yr claim. There is nothing worse than talking about soiling your knickers to a total stranger! This is the second time I've had a visitor, however, and (damn it) on a day when I feel positively radiant.....
More later on how it went.....

2003-06-19T02:29:00.000+01:00

THE STORY SO FAR...CHAPTER 4
More facts, figures and personal info to help contextualise my blog... This feature blogged weekly on Wednesdays/Thursdays. Hmmm lets see... As of today....
I have had no serious HIV related Illnesses. Much of the trauma of living with HIV can relate to the many infections and conditions that can crop up as a consequence of a depressed immune system. These can vary from the simplest bouts of fungal and bacterial infection (athletes foot, warts, spots...) to more complicated viral infections and cancers. Much of the more severe (indeed deadly) stuff occurs mostly when the immune system is seriously depressed. Thus it is thanks to effective drug regimes bolstering my bodily defences that I currently do not have to deal with chronic health conditions. Thankfully, I only have the odd mouth ulcer, blemish or wart to deal with......
I have had no Serious HIV drug related side effects. The drugs which maintenance my immune system are themselves very toxic and can create chronic complications to health. Many of the meds affect how the Liver and digestive system functions, whilst others can impact on blood and nerve systems. I'm pretty sure, too, that some drugs can also dull the brain synapses impacting upon powers of thought and memory. Some basic and more manageable side effects include diarrhoea and nausea. More dangerous and debilitating effects include Peripheral Neuropathy - tingling or the loss of sensation in fingers and limbs... and Lipodistophy - an abnormal re-distribution of fats around the body.. Thankfully my good diet, excercise and circulation has mean that I have had few side effects, even though I am on a quadruple (4-drug) combination therapy that is one of the most toxic. I have yet to take the drugs which cause seriously wierd dreams!
I do not I look Like I am HIV. As vain as it sounds, its fair to say that most of us with my condition worry a little about looking as if we have HIV. Much of the changes in quality of life bought about by drug regimes relate as much to real health improvements as they relate to the visual signs of good health. In the past before the medications, it was mainly, I think, that very thin wasted look and its association with AIDS that had us running scared. But with the advent of drugs, it now seems you can judge the man by his fat distribution and lipodystrophy. Unfortunately, we now live in fear of the pot-belly, hollowed cheeks and saggy arse - visual symptoms of body coping badly with distributing fat. Thankfully, much of lypodistrophy and its effects is an insider thing. Its mostly only HIV individuals (and their carers) who know about it and its symptoms. Whilst others might just see a fat stomach or a butt in need of a few sets of leg-press, the HIV individual spots a potential fellow sufferer. I have met several friends and lovers by noting and acting upon these visual signs. Whilst I seem happy to exploit those signs in others, Im sorry to say, I also fear the day when I may have to take similar drugs and experience similar body distortions myself.

2003-06-17T13:55:00.000+01:00

LOST WEEKEND
Hmmm no blog entries for a few days... A mysterious Kidnapping?.. Hospital Emergency?.. Big romance?......None of the above,- Just a good O'l fashioned loved-up weekend of sun and fun in London....
What started out as a fairly cheap drink on friday turned into a bit of a pub and club fest which ran through much of my weekend.. You know how it is,.... Warm weather, being around boys, feeling free-and-single... Add to that a bit of mobile telephone message tennis, a few great friends, hastily modified plans and the wonderful resources of this fabulous city. Magic!
"Oh dear here we go..", I hear you say, "another chem fuelled queen straining to blog on the last of her weekend recreational drugs.." Sorry to disappoint. My HIV medications prevent me from taking those E's and K. My high this weekend was born by the sheer delight of feeling alive and carefree - assisted now and then by a pint of beer and, of course, the fascinating empathy of those who had taken the drugs.....
And so I draw a veil around the detail of this long weekend, other than finally remarking - and excuse my language- how absolutely-fucking-wonderful it is to be Gay.

2003-06-12T14:53:00.000+01:00

NEXT GENERATIONS..
Oh the randomness of it all!… As I sat with a coffee in Café Nero this morning, I was thinking again of those random name generators (RNGs) and amusing myself by thinking up some of my own. Here are a few of my musings, followed by the kinds of names they might throw out….

THE FEMALE HOCKEY/FOOTBALL PLAYER RNG
Random firstname of a feminist socialist historian followed by seaside town no gay guy would be seen dead visiting… Result: “Shulamyth Portslade in goal, Tanya Rhyll playing mid-field…….”

SECOND RATE DRAG/LOUNGE COMEDY ACT RNG
A random selection of anything you may have in your kitchen cupboards or fridge....Result: “Introducing the fabulous… Miss Ribena Cordial, and The legendary ..Ty fishcake ……”

HACK JOURNALIST/NEWS ANCHOR RNG
Any first name followed by a public holiday when all the news is good news. Helps if both aliterate... Result: "Sky News. On the hour with Les Laborday in the studio and Wendy Whitsun coming to you live from Bagdhad…."

Whilst looking through RNG sites on the net I also came across several SciFi and Star Trek techno babble generators.. I’ve finally found out how virologists have come up with some of their terminology for HIV!!… Surely I’m not the only one to notice that the term Reverse Transcriptase Inhibitor sounds something more to do with balancing the engine core of Voyager than it does with a virus….

This leads me finally to my last invention - THE ROCHE/GLAXO HIV DRUG RNG.
Simply take any random object or thing that happens into yr mind - For drug technicians this I think is usually fast-food, Lord of the Rings, or 70 & 80s rock band related. Randomly add to it one syllable of an up-beat word which suggests the drug might be working well (immune, intercept, banish, gone,…are popularly used..) The term might need an additional X, Y or Z if not present already, to make the whole thing sound more scientific and serious…
Some results:

Sidofrizamune, Frodocept, Pinkflloydiban, Jethrotullazine, .....

Look out for this next generation then, coming to a pharmacy near you very soon....

2003-06-11T14:12:00.000+01:00

THE STORY SO FAR...CHAPTER 3
More facts, figures and info to help contextualise my blog... This feature blogged weekly on Wednesdays. Hmmm lets see... As of today.....
I've been to see my shrink 15 times. Well, actually shes not a shrink - I think shes a 'psychiatric councillor'(?) and shes not really mine, but a shared member of the team at Cascaid. I'd discussed with my doctors and advisors many times before the possibility of seeking psychiatry as a means to deal with some psychological issues that can arise from having HIV. I was putting off a lot of issues in the past, though ("in denial" is the in term for this, I think...) and thus deferred the opportunity. It is only in the last year, on making several realisations and changes, that I have better considered and taken up psychiatric assistance.
I'm very glad I've been seeing my shrink. Like many HIV individuals who are jointly diagnosed with their partners, quite a lote of psychological damage can be caused by issues of guilt and assumptions that the other is blaming you for infecting them with HIV. (a hip term for this is 'beating yourself up'...) It was this issue, assisted by a partner who in times of his own need was happy for me to take the blame,- that was primarily wearing me down. I was wising up to this, however, and beginning to see a need to move on. So I signed up, gritted my teeth, and attended my first session. The first time was a little bit nervy, but it wasnt so bad, and it got better and easier in later sessions to talk. Thats basically what the meetings are; I chat about whats on my mind, my councillor listens and comments to encourage me to think about the consequences/inconsistencies of what I'm saying or thinking. In the process, I realise some of the negative thoughts I have about myself, and that simple act of enlightenment is usually sufficient to put me on the right track to turning those thoughts around. The meetings, so far, have been a real discovery and it is often the case that an issue exemplified in my attitudes to being HIV+ (or unintentionally giving it to someone else) turns out to be an issue which is much deeper or general.....
Ive learned quite a few things about myself since seeing my shrink. Of these, certain seem to be meatier issues that I am now dealing with and turning around big time; I often have a big fear of being judged; I am often ashamed for my feelings which leads me either apologise for them or fail to express them; I tend to procrastinate as a means of avoiding issues; and I sometimes don't love or value myself as much as should;.... I've also learned that being open and up-front about these things (- such as by admitting them in councilling or as posts on a public blog - ) can be a very useful and productive therapy in confronting these issues for the better.
I probably did infect my ex-partner with HIV But partnerships with unprotected sex are mutual decisions requiring mutual responsibility. I'm no longer going to be eaten up or beaten up by that history. Thankfully, with a little help, I've learnt, wised up, moved on......

2003-06-10T11:12:00.000+01:00

NAME GAME
Following my blog on Googlism last wednesday Ive been given a few links to random name generator sites (cheers Chris). And how great they are for flights of gay fancy. I've been romancing all morning about my potential as a transvestite porn star drawn into drugs, arrested by Starsky and Hutch (OK - its a 70s retro porn fantasy of mine-) and banged to rights at Oswald State penitentiary (OZ). And whats my name? Apparently on the streets I'm known as Lydia Bounce, but once at Oz I gain a reputation as the slut bitch Nipple Nibbler ("...watch out for him in the showers..that bitch is a biter...") From here my story could go one of two ways. I could enjoy banging my plate against those bars so much that I realise a latent talent for Nyabinghi drumming and end up in a new career as the reggae star Bushdakta Banto..... Alternatively, I could find god and bible-bashing, - in which case watch out for Pastor Jerry Van Younge-Boyes coming to a football stadium near you very soon..... This story at some point will continue....

2003-06-10T01:56:00.000+01:00

NEW FRIENDS
The World seems a little bit smaller, friendly and more accessible place to me after this weekend. And I feel a little bit wiser.
On Saturday I met up an American guy who I’d been chatting with from a personals site that I’d registered with a while back. I’d signed up to this site primarily to get to know POZ individuals from other countries in the hope that new friendships would breed new travelling experiences. He’d come to London for his hols and I'd arranged to meet him for coffee and maybe a museum visit together.. . This was not the first time that I had met up with guys from far flung places, but it certainly was the first that I’d met who openly knew about my HIV status and understood it to be a pretext of our desire to meet. How refreshing it was, thus, to chat for a few hours with this guy , happily drawn together by the common bond of a viral condition, and speaking of it with the best of solidarity and friendship. We exchanged blood numbers and stats, spoke of past horror stories and close shaves, generally talked of our daily dealings and feelings as we have learned to adjust to and accommodate our condition. Quite funny really, - felt almost almost like two middle aged women exchanging stories and photos about their grandchildren...... It was a very pleasant early evening and I’ve arranged to meet this new friend again later in the week to visit an exhibition at the V&A and chat some more….

It was on the tube journey home, as I thought back to my meeting, that I realized in chatting not once did either of us speak of our plight with any sense of hardness, resentment or even a sense of resignation at a presumed ‘lot‘. Such was the upbeat nature and inherent happiness of our discourse that I was surprised to acknowledge how much I’ve changed lately in dealing with my condition. I don’t know exactly at what point it happened, but it seems as if I have reckoned and come to terms with the simple fact that HIV is very much a part of who I am. And in a renewed eagerness to love myself lately, I’ve stopped hating HIV as my enemy and somehow started loving it almost as a friend.

2003-06-07T21:21:00.000+01:00

GOOGLISM
Ive just been playing with Googlism for the last half-hour.. (sorry I'm so naive.com - you probably knew about Googlism 5 years ago...) What a hoot! You enter a name or a word or a place and the programme gives a list of characteristics based on info it has randomly trawled from the net. I typed in my full name.... Apparently I am "a call to utilize the inherent power of our consciousness in healing the earth and all its ills..."

2003-06-06T18:18:00.000+01:00

OH HAPPY FORTUNE....
A strange and very furtunate day!. First I wake to receive in the post a thank you card & gift voucher for a bottle of wine. OK, the card is from Sainsbury's Supermarkets and I'd say about 1 in 50 have recieved similar this morning, but a free £6 bottle of wine is not to be sniffed at! I head off to the High street to redeem it and get my provisions. Once there I stop at my local ATM where I'm about to withdraw my weekend 'allowance'. The man in front of me using the machine proceeds to run off in a flustered state - assuming the machine will not pay out for him. It does however, and he leaves his withdrawn money behind. I shout myself hoarse to attract his attention - good citizen that I am. He comes back, rather embarrased, and I take the opportunity to very quickly clock that he'd withdrawn £200 and suggest that he gives me a tenner for my troubles... He does. (Shit! - I should have asked for twenty!...) I head to Sainsbury's already flushed with fortune and do my weekend shop. Carted up and in a further fit of benevolence, I join the checkout queue of the rather dumpy and out of uniform checkout girl that most, for some reason seem to be avoiding..... It turns out Bonita (her name was felt-tipped to a makeshift badge) usually works in the back as an unpacker and had been asked to man a till because of a staffing shortage. Low and behold, she procedes (god bless her) to run my gift voucher over the infra-red twice, thinking it counts for every and not just one wine bottle in my shopping. This time the good citizen says nothing....
I've somehow managed to come back from my weekend shopping trip loaded with goodies and without spending a penny of my own money!

2003-06-05T18:25:00.000+01:00

A PIECE OF PIE ANYONE...?
I'm just finished cooking Cumberland Pie for 5 of my mates who are coming over tonite. Hmmm...Pie, fruit flan and Beer..very Northern England. But I'm now wondering whether another side effect of my medications is an inability to judge ingredients per capita. Its turned out to be a pie actually the size of Cumberland ...
.....I know, I'll auction leftover portions on E-Bay, - that should help my dodgy financial situation.....

2003-06-05T11:43:00.000+01:00

HREF= "MAKEOVER REPORT..." /A
Hmmm the blog isn't looking too bad already! Sorry to blow my own trumpet, but I'm pretty impressed at the way I've taken to HTML a week after opting to learn it. OK, design-wise the thing is still looking a little corporate (- maybe Ive seen the color scheme elsewhere) But colour is as easily changeable as my moods, so lets just just liken the current hue to a proverbial tester pot. Just look at those links, buttons and other blog baubels, though. I'm amazed at what you can do with a hyperlink here and a code cut-and-paste there...

2003-06-05T03:26:00.000+01:00

THE STORY SO FAR...CHAPTER 2
Some facts, figures and info to help contextualise my blog... This feature blogged weekly on Wednesdays (...erm..sorry I'm late..!). As of today:
* I am single and very happily so. My last partnership, with M, ended 3 years ago after an innings of 7 years. Since then I've been single, - rediscovering myself and my sexuality. For the past year there has been a 'significant other' - the lovely A - who I've grown very fond of. My relationship with A is a very open one though, and as much as I think he would like us to become 'a little more serious', He is very understanding of my reasons to remain single. There is a lot that I want and need to explore and being too tied down would, I think, compromise the new independence and lust for life that I have lately found. A is HIV- and is fully aware of my HIV status. I told him on our second 'date'...
* I am financially dependent upon State benefits. I gave up full-time work about 3 years ago, mainly so that I could take a breather, de-stress and get my act together. (I used to work a 60 hour week and when immuno-compromised that takes it out of you) Since then I have been working freelance and on a part-time basis, with my earnings (I work in education) supplemented by state benefits for disability, housing and, on occasion, low earnings. In a 'bad period' - if i am not working and totally dependent upon benefits, my weekly income could be as as low as £150. I do intend to return to work of a more full-time nature in the very near future. If anything, its a matter of finding an appropriate job to my skills, interests and medical situation.. One of the reasons I used to work 60 hours a week was simply because work allowed me deal with my HIV status by ignoring it. Thats NOT a good strategy - and one of the results of taking a couple of years out has been a more balanced and positive acceptance of my situation. I have been learning, for the better, to take my HIV bull by the horns.
* I am sharing a flat with my ex- partner. M and I started living together a year into our relationship, when by chance we were offered a council appartment and a joint tenancy. About 3 months after moving in together we both tested HIV+. This diagnosis bought a range of tensions and compromises into our relationship and I am of the opinion that the partnership endured beyond its natural shelf life because of the feelings of insecurity and obligation that the joint diagnosis brought with it. For my part, I dont think I would have been coupled with M for so long had it not been for our positive status. It took me a long time to realise and admit this, and it came as a process of questioning why things, ultimately, were not working between us. We finally agreed irreconcilable differences after our 6 or so years. Stuck with a joint tenancy and equal claim, however, we realised that the only way we could live according to our means and with a parity of rights, was by continuing to live together, as friends, in the same appartment. This has worked reasonably well, under the circumstances. Over time, however, as we both live and come to terms differently with our HIV, conflicting agendas and lifestyles have increasingly necessitated separate accomodation. Apart from housework issues, M's main gripe is that he cannot comfortably and with full privacy entertain a new boyfriend. If truth be told, right now, my main gripe is that I cannot comfortably host an orgy....

2003-06-04T14:00:00.000+01:00

BALANCING ACT
Under 35-year olds might not remember the game Tip-It. If any of you do, I feel today decidedly like that that little fella poised on his nose at the end of his stick and subject to the whims of a triad of weighty forces as he tries to keep himsself aloft. Yellow rings today come courtesy of Social Services - circumstances have have been mis-plying their weights over the past few weeks with forms to fill in and today I recieve notice of an up-coming visit to assess my health and needs; bummer!. Blue is housing and home life. I find this morning that M should be re-housed within in the next twelve months. Thats wholly calming news in the long term, but today's interim discussions over how to divide ten years of accumulated things is bound from now on to create a little turbulence. Color three (always it seems using red) is my finances - frankly I'm broke and my purse does not seem to be able to counter the tactical positioning of the other two... So watch me spin and whirl....

2003-06-03T13:45:00.000+01:00

NECROSIS NEUROSIS
Don't you just hate the term 'necrosis'? Mind you, the word 'receding' isn't that great either when your'e in your mid...erm.. ok, late, thirties! Both smack of decrepitude, and when they might be happening in yr mouth, that other term 'kiss of death' seems all too real.
You may have gathered that I've spent this morning at the dentist. And I have one or two problems with my gnashers. These problems have arisen from a number of factors, the main one relating to my fear of dentistry. Add to that 20-odd years of smoking and a craving for rowntrees fruit gums and it figures there were going to be some reasonably heavy issues happening in my mouth. Throw HIV into the equation too, however, and we're talking a potential for serious germ warfare - so send in the troops!
Thankfully I saw the light just over a year ago when (in my drive to take fuller advantage of continuing clean teeth and breath from non-smoking) I enlisted the assistance of special care dentistry. And they have been great! With a few extra pushes from my doctor on my needs as a nervous patient, I was offered a season of free trips to a sedation unit under the care of the wonderful Sadie. And oh what lovely trips they have been! - Numbed and high from Nitrous Oxide, a morning in 'Sadie's Chair' has become a bit of a hippy dippy treat for me....
..But not so this morning!.. Only a short visit to the hygienist today, so no gas, and a little bit of a dressing down on my failure to floss. But I return wiser,- armed with a few tips on better brushing, a small pack of interdental brushes and a pat on the back for having faced my fears and endured a short scrape and clean without the knockout-drops. I'm getting there. OK they're not the best set of teeth in the world and whilst the odd bit of gum recession (OK I'll say it - the odd bit of necrosis...) might be a minor setback, I am reminded that I have a winning smile non the less. I just need a little more ruthlessness on the oral hygeine front to ensure that I keep it.
More later....I'm off to do a bit of flossing......

2003-06-02T13:49:00.000+01:00

ADD TO MY FRIENDS / REMOVE FROM FAVOURITES
....These are the names of two buttons I can press on a Gaydar profile to organise and file it away in my records. Gaydar is an internet dating (/shagging) site. Each member has a profile page - and by the click of a button I can chat, delete, ignore, sort by type, criticise the dress sense of,...and hopefully meet.. some of the nicer guys each profile aims to represent. Add to friends (list) button does exactly that. Remove from favourites button takes the profile off another list (favourites, but presumably not friends yet) so that you can either add them to your friends or delete them from yr administrative system (- Don't worry - once pressed, the 'Remove' button becomes an 'Add' button so you can put them back on again.....) I've been avidly clicking away at these two buttons this morning in the hope of putting some order to my site and also to rub my ego a little bit. Ive been mostly removing people from favourites and adding them to Friends. Whilst doing so I've been clicking another little button which adds a blue circle 'tag' beside their names. The tag allows you to keep track of profiles according to yr own reason.. In my filing system the blue circle tag stands for "I've met and shagged them!"... Kind of ironic really, given that something with a little blue circle label attached to it (as in Debenhams and C&A) usually means 'now a sale item'!

In the process of this administration, which I do at a whim every now and then, I find it remarkable how the virtual community of Gaydar moves on as measured by profile changes. It can be quite a scopic and addictive site sometimes, almost like observing a reality TV programme with which I am curiously interacting. And it figures, for the sake of engendering my own form of virtual support network, I like to chart profiles of individuals openly HIV+. Some profiles changes I've notice today suggest members have found love ("sorry guys - Ive found my man..") whilst some have found other things ("Cheers www.rubberman3 - now heavily into bondage and chem sex..."). And just by changes in photographs and text you can track makeovers, changes in gay fashion, and fluctuations in health and circumstance. Some days I just click and wonder at the rise and fall of these lovely personalities as they find their self confidence and live their positive lives! I virtually love them all.

2003-06-01T15:16:00.000+01:00

TO BB OR NOT TO BB...
OK a cheesy heading I know. And no I'm not talking about whether or not to stay in and watch the fourth season of Big Brother. For those not in the know, BB stands for Bare-Backing - sex without condoms. Whilst I would never consider having BB sex with someone else who was not HIV+, I have often been forced to contemplate the pros and cons of doing so with somebody who is positive and happy to engage in it. The main 'Against' side of the equation points to the potential for cross-infection with new or different strains of HIV+ and other sexually transmitted diseases. Whilst the research to me seems inconclusive, I could, by having BB sex, end up with a form of HIV that is already resistant to the drugs I take. That and other infections could seriously compromise my health. The main 'For' side of the argument points to the sheer pleasure of flesh on flesh and not having the clinical hassle of condoms... Our health is compromised already (another argument goes) so why worry too much about compromising it further..? Whilst these reasons are powerful enough, the clincher, relates to issues of empowerment. Consensual BB sex between two HIV+ fellahs is a pleasure that HIV negative guys cannot have without the worries of primary infection. Thus BB sex is the one thing that POZ individuals can claim for their own. The very act that symbolises our predicament is appropriated by us to positively symbolise, through sexual pleasure - our difference and power. As feminists have burnt their Bras, so positive gay men consider throwing away their condoms.....
The subject is on my mind today because I have just had a fantastic evening of consensual BB sex with a gorgeous and very sexy Belgian man. Whilst I basque in the reveries of openly and happily declaring my status to him, finding out that he was HIV+ too and then proceeding to seduce and bed him without condoms, I still feel a high level of guilt at having done something a little naughty...
As much as the French and Belgians are often slated here in Britain, there is something very seductive about the way they wield and pronounce the phrase "je suis seropositif"....

2003-05-31T23:18:00.000+01:00

SUMMERS HERE....
Its been a long and warm day here in London and one that I dont think i shall forget so easily...
I woke to shouts of "I'm leaving" coming from M's bedroom next door. (M is my flatmate who up until 3 years ago was my long-term partner. After we split up as a couple of 7 years, we were in a stuation where it was easier, although not ideal, for us to continue living together.) I thought in some dreamy reverie that M was telling me he was already heading out to the park without me, in the hope that it would entice me out of my bed - wonderful sunshine and the promise of an early tan, etc.. But M didnt mean that kind of leaving, - he meant that he was really leaving. Apparently he has finally received appointments for declaring himself homeless and being re-housed in a flat of his own. I shed a few tears, on the quiet, and I think he did too. End of a very big era to contemplate and so on... The news bought an edge to the day as the excitement and slight anxieties of futures unknown contended with the simpler rush of a the first day of summer sunbathing in the park. Funnily we've been the best of friends today. I really can't remember the last time I consciously acknowledged enjoying a day spent with M. Always so bogged down in our own issues and disagreements we have often failed to see some of the more simple pleasures of domesticity and togetherness - or at least I have - and it was this, I feel which drew us apart. But not today and tonight. He's in his bedroom now with his new 'boyfriend' trying on going-out clothes. I'm on the computer writing this and perving a few stunners on Gaydar.. Like everything should be... All three of us have just had dinner (I cooked, they cleared up) after a super day in the park ogling the boys, being silly and doing what urban gay blokes do. We're all a little pink from the sun and a couple of long vodka tonics, - and in that rosy glow before the clubs we contemplate the beginnings of a glorious summer and more fun ahead of us..........

2003-05-31T04:49:00.000+01:00

HTM HELL
Ive just been fiddling with the layout of my blog to try and make it look interesting. Clearly I lack the knowledge to turn this space into something far more stylish and appropriate a look for the gay man about the internet. Look - its 4.45 in the morning and all I've managed to do is change the color of my date headers to orange!- thats the gay HTML blog equivalent to knowing how to border your lounge with stencilling! If only there was the kind of assistance similar to what you see on British TV nowadays for home interiors. There'd be a "Changing Blogs" - where 2 bloggers exchange turnkeys and procede to wreck each others sites with the help of 2nd rate web designers. Then there'd be "blog front" - 20 mins on software furnishings, stylish code accessories and a featurette on hit counters, followed by a 10 minute article from a guest programmer in the vein of Jocasta Innes on Non-Dithering color effects and code equivalents to 'rag rolling'......
Looks like I'm gonna have to bite the bullet and buy a book on how to use HTML... watch this space and get ready for a make-over....

2003-05-30T10:57:00.000+01:00

THOUGHT OF THE DAY
Ive just been side-tracked by a comicstrip website that is absolutely wonderful! (- Sorry guys, I know it sounds like an ass-lick but dont you just Love Google and the way it can transport you to somewhere meaningful sometimes...?) And so I've spent the last thirty minutes laughing out loud. Its called HIV 'n Me -and I've had to list it in my links. Its author (Chris Companik) has supplied me with my blog's first aphorism:

I no longer say I'm "living with HIV" -- now I say "it's living with me.."

Too fucking true!! Cheers for that Chris - and please keep drawing those hilarious cartoons! "Keanutype Test", - indeed, LOL... I'll be laughing all day, especially having just seen Matrix Reloaded!....

2003-05-30T09:20:00.000+01:00

ON BEACHES AND BEANFEAST...
UP early today, - a rare thing for me. My body clock of late has become more used to very late nights followed by sleep ins. I was drawn out of bed as much by the sound of Mr upstairs' bloody dogs barking as the promise of a hot summers day; - and here it is....
So Ive just been rummaging through the balcony cupboard and my suitcases looking for my favourite sandals. Found them, a hole in the back of the heel seeping a week of year-old sand from Sardinian beaches... What else did I find in my rummage? Two pairs of shorts, 3 pairs of still serviceable trousers and an orange cut-off Gap top which I hastily threw away. Oh and a packet of Bachelors Bolognese Beanfeast!(?). I'd taken it away on holiday with me last year on the offchance that I might get a dickie stomach and not be able to eat anything else (- for some reason I find soya protein readily digestible - despite warnings of GM foods - and so a good emergency supply for days when my digestive system is playing up...). I checked the expiry date, - March 2004 - , hmmm... I think I'll have it for my supper tonite - cant be any dodgier that the chemicals I already swallow twice daily! I'll also remenisce of sea, sand and one or two horny Sardinian encounters......

2003-05-30T01:28:00.000+01:00

MIND THE CURB....
Ive just finished watching the third episode this week of Curb Your Enthusiasm. - what a hilarious show! - Its kept me up late watching tv the past three days. - shame its usually scheduled on BBC4 and thus probably about to vanish off terrestrial BBC after this week. Doh!... Best line of the week was from Mondays episode - "They're not breasts, they're big chemical balls." .... And in tonites episode, the wife of a businessman pornstar describes her home as "the house that cum built".... Had me in titters!... I can see a lot of expressions from that show finding their way into my vocabulary...

2003-05-29T12:46:00.000+01:00

SHAKE, RATTLE, ROLL....
- The Thursday morning sounds of sorting a week of medications into the compartments of my dosset box. The bigger pills go in first, and are flattened to ensure I can slide the lids shut. Then the smaller ones go in, some of them to sit between the gaps left by the bigger ones -it's a tight squeeze. I have this routine off-pat now and after 5 years its an excercise less like a puzzle from Krypton factor!. Just one final count check, to make sure i havent missed a medication; 4, 2, 2,1, 1, thats it, all in..all sorted - quick press the buzzer! 12 minutes and 40 seconds - a new personal record!.
- Then just a quick check to make sure my supplies are in order. Yep plenty of AZT, plenty of Zalcitabine...hmmm a bit low on Norimode. If I'm low on anything, Ill make a note to call pharmacy 3 or 4 days before I run out and collect some more the following day.
- I'm given a 4 month supply of medications in one go. When prescribed, I take a months supply home with me and keep the rest on prescription at the pharmacy. There are a number of advantages to this. First I dont have to cart 4 white plastic bags of pills back with me from the hospital. Second, the monthly collect system is better for keeping track and making sure I dont run out. Thirdly, some of my medication has to be refridgerated if not used within a month. Thus it is stored in the Hospital's coolers and not mine.. -avoids those potentially embarrassing "what are those white bottles?" questions when a friend goes to get a beer from my fridge....
Thats It!, all done... drugs duty over for the week and I can now go out and get some of that lovely sun!......

2003-05-28T14:47:00.000+01:00

INTERNET DATE CANCELLATION EXCUSE #213: (GAYDAR)
"sorry mate, me fish tank filters fucked...gonna have to cry off"
Index this one under the categories - Pets, Animals, Council (trailer-trash) shags, Poetic Aliteration

2003-05-28T14:17:00.000+01:00

THE STORY SO FAR...
Some facts, figures and info to help contextualise my blog... This feature to be blogged weekly on Wednesdays. As of today;-
* I've been diagnosed HIV+ for 6 years and 8 months... Traditional HIV diaries go on about medications -so in terms of a combination therapy anecdote, that correlates statistically to about 35,000 pills popped (I average 20 a day). Assuming an average of two warm snacks a day over my lifetime, I can say this month that I've literally had more HIV pills than I've had hot dinners!
* I am feeling extremely healthy! More Science..... I have an undetectable viral load count (>50 as it is written in blood results, and the lower the better) and a CD4 count of about 670 (the higher the better) These two figures have tended to rule much of my medical history over the years as I have recieved the numbers from quarterly hospital visits. Just as Weathergirls tend to judge seasons by meteorological fluctuations (.."hmmmm... rainfall Higher than average for Spring, and temperatures Low"..) so my seasons and moods have been measured by the swings and falls of bloodcounts. My weather has been particularly good and mild of late. Much of it I put down to a healthier lifestyle - I gym a lot, no longer smoke, eat well, and have a very active, reasonably low-stress social life...
* I'd say about 90 people know of my HIV status. Of that sum, around 30 deal with me in hospitals, and 30 have come across me from various benefit claims, visits to social service and charitable agencies. The other 30 comprise of friends, friends of an ex (also positive), and some (not all) men that I've met on a casual basis for sex. On an average, thus, 1 person a month gets to know that I am HIV+.
None of my family know that I am HIV+. 2 of my best friends do not know that I am HIV+. 80% of my casual sexual encounters do not know that I am HIV+.... Those last figures bother me a bit, even though I play safe. I am hoping to drastically change some of these numbers in the near future..... And I wonder, how many more people will now know of my status having published this....

2003-05-28T02:11:00.000+01:00

ERM..... WELCOME
Here we go. A new Blog. A big, deep intake of breath and start typing....
From the relative safety of anonymity of sorts, I thrust my HIV status into a public domain! My first thoughts are quite frivolous and typically gay - I must change that red band at the top of my chosen template - its not quite me.... (0range and blue - thats much better - this bit posted 31st may)

Heres my reasons/aims in writing the Blog, and I guess I'll return to this paragraph frequently and measure my success. Sorry if it sounds heavy - things get lighter (and funnier, i hope...) AND ITS NOT GONNA ALL BE ABOUT HIV.... but lets get the science bit out of the way....
* I seem to currently lead a life of slight inconsistencies, hidden facts and truths: - The common consequence of a medical condition that I'm open about to some, keep secret from others, etc. I intend to use this space to be totally truthful and honest about my Pozitive HIV status. To be upfront and open about the thoughts and actions that i bear in relation to it, do to come to terms with it, encounter as it has become one of my new lifetime companions...
* My current drug combinations often effect my memory and thought patterns. Not so bad right now, but I have my cloudy moments and it may get worse. I'm hoping the blog will as much serve in allowing me to remember the fun and interesting things I've been up to, as much as assist in my making sense of them....

I hope that by writing my thoughts and serving them up to a perceived virtual audience I'll more quickly come to better terms with my circumstances. And about time too, - ive been dioagnosed for nigh on 6 years, now, and still feel fairly naive to it all... Hopefully I'll learn to take responsibility for those inconsistencies and grow for the better accordingly. A big mission, I know, - but with the realisation that my main audience is myself (and any others I choose to direct to his site by way of testament, living or otherwise..) that mission will be evident in its very act of being written.. It'll be like coming out again, - but his time doing it properly...with anecdotes....and appropriate protection!...